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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24451717">Unrequited</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenguinMaster/pseuds/PenguinMaster'>PenguinMaster</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Declarations Of Love, F/F, Human Kara Danvers, I am Supercorp Trash, I hate having to tag that, Like I'm not sure it really makes sense, Minor Lena Luthor/James "Jimmy" Olsen, Sad Kara Danvers, Shameless Smut, Smut, SuperCorp, This fic is kind of ridiculous, but here we are, dumpster fire</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:41:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>31,428</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24451717</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenguinMaster/pseuds/PenguinMaster</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kara realizes her feelings for Lena aren't going away any time soon. Can she continue to repress them and act like everything's fine? Or will she burst and potentially ruin two of her most meaningful friendships? Angst! Happy ending!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>335</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First fic, so be gentle. Remember, there's a difference between being frank, and being dick! Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Fuck. I’m in trouble.</i>
</p><p>That’s the first thought Kara wakes up with. It’s the first thought she’s woken up with for the past couple of days now. She rolls onto her back and opens her eyes to stare at the ceiling, kicking her sheets off as she does so. Her hands fold together over her stomach and she lets out a heavy sigh.</p><p>
  <i>I’m in big trouble.</i>
</p><p>She never thought she’d find herself in this place. The place where she, admittedly (at least to herself), has feelings of the romantic sort, for her amazing, beautiful best friend. The thought of Lena puts a smile on her face like usual, but there’s a new, sharp pain that accompanies it. Lena is dating James. <i>James.</i> And they came to the bar together last night. They were cozied up to each other the whole time, Lena practically in his lap, and Kara realizes Lena used to sit like that next to her, used to smile at her like that. She didn’t let her disappointment show, she couldn’t help but be supportive of her friend...plus, she had her chance, and she blew it. Lena had flirted with her, had even kissed her once, but Kara let her own self esteem issues and overthinking get in the way, and now…now she has to watch Lena be happy with someone else. When she knows, <i>knows</i>, it could have been her.</p><p>Lately she had found herself thinking about Lena more and more. She noticed whenever she was around her, it was like nothing could bring her down. She was strong, bright, capable; she was Supergirl. Any time spent, smile seen or laugh heard with Lena could give her the strength to take on the world. She thought about the overwhelmingly bright smile Lena has when she’s truly happy, how her green eyes sparkle and her nose crinkles just a little bit, how often she used to see that smile, and how over the past few months it’s become less and less. </p><p>
  <i>She thinks I’m not interested in her, she moved on. How could I be so stupid?</i>
</p><p>She continued mentally berating herself over her choices, dragging herself down into a pit of sadness and self loathing, the weight of it heavy on her chest, smothering her from the inside out. The darkness of her bedroom was suddenly the most appealing thing she had ever seen, so she rolled herself up in her blankets and around her many pillows, and continued to flip back and forth between self-pity for not having what she wanted, and self-hatred for not having the courage to go for it when she had the chance. And the hangover she was sporting certainly wasn’t helping things. She did her best to keep the tears from flowing, but a few managed to escape anyway.</p><p>A sudden buzzing near her ear drew her attention; a phone call. She dug under her pillow as quickly as she could, but it was as if her limbs were made of lead, heavy and clunky, and she clumsily knocked her phone to the floor. She peered over the side of the bed at it, heart stopping and speeding up all at once when she saw it was Lena. She simply stared at the screen in fear, knowing she couldn’t talk to her right now; she’s a horrible liar and Lena would see right through her and instantly know something was wrong. The call ended, making Kara feel safe enough to pick the phone up off the floor. She put it on her nightstand, deciding she would call Lena later when she had a better hold on her emotions. </p><p>
  <i>Ding!</i>
</p><p>A text message. With a sigh she picks her phone back up, the bright screen making her squint and worsening the dull ache behind her eyes. </p><p>
  <i>L: Hey! Are we still having lunch??</i>
</p><p><i>Lunch? Crap,</i> Kara thinks to herself. She goes back in her mind to the night before, vaguely remembers making lunch plans with Lena for today. She also remembers drinking quite a bit more than usual, so things are a bit fuzzy. She decides to use that to her advantage, because as torn up she may be feeling about things with Lena, she couldn’t ignore her, especially for something that isn’t her fault.</p><p>
  <i>K: Raincheck? Drank too much last night :/</i>
</p><p>
  <i>L: Oh no :( Are you okay? Do you need anything?</i>
</p><p>The words are both a warm comfort and a cold reminder; Lena cares, a lot, but it’s no longer in the way that she probably now would care for James were he hungover. It’s still out of the kindness of her heart, she would still mean it if she came over and brought Kara chicken and waffles (because she <i>knows</i> it’s her favorite hangover food), but it wouldn’t be how Kara knows it <i>should</i> be. Lena should be coming home to <i>her</i>. But, she’s not. Instead, James is getting that attention from her. She knows she shouldn’t be jealous, Lena doesn’t belong to her, let alone anyone, but it feels impossible to avoid. She quickly types a reply before she gets sucked back into her brooding.</p><p>
  <i>K: No, I’ll be fine. Thanks, though :)</i>
</p><p>
  <i>L: ❤</i>
</p><p>Funny how a simple little digital heart could make her actual heart ache. She stared at it longingly for a few seconds before exiting her texts, locking her phone, and putting it on the far end of the nightstand. She planned on taking the next few hours solely for herself, hoping to work through her feelings and at least be semi-prepared for the next time she saw Lena, which would be tomorrow for game night. She knew it might not be easy now that she had finally admitted to her feelings. Here comes the self-hatred again, for not accepting those feelings in the first place, because they’ve pretty much always been there, and she knows she could’ve had a chance. Hell, Lena had practically handed it to her on a silver platter. But she choked, and her mind went out of control with ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybes’ and before she knew it, the chance had blown by her and suddenly Lena was with someone else. </p><p>Kara thought back to the fateful night when everything between her and Lena changed, when for a brief moment, everything seemed like it was the best it had ever been, and then in another moment it had all come crashing down. It was just seven months ago...</p><p>
  <i>Knock Knock Knock</i>
</p><p>Kara shot out of her seat to answer the door, excitement coursing through her veins. Game night was always intense with her, ever the competitor, but Lena added a level of intensity she didn’t realize was possible. She wasn’t even sure the others felt it, like maybe it was just for her...like Lena might be purposefully shooting her smouldering looks with raised eyebrows and bitten lips, maybe she <i>is</i> flirting, but then that self-deprecating voice in her head gets the best of her. <i>Look at her. She’s stunning, a CEO, a billionaire, and what are you? She’d never actually be attracted to you. She’s just playing around.</i> She doesn’t show it on the outside, keeps flirting back like she has been, but she lets herself believe it’s all just for fun, because how could someone like Lena be interested in someone like her? </p><p>She flings the door open and is greeted first by Winn, who she hugs enthusiastically, and then Maggie with Lena leaning against her like she’s already had too much to drink. Kara raises an eyebrow at the pair, wondering how it’s possible because Lena usually handles her alcohol very well. </p><p>“<i>Someone</i>,” Maggie starts, turning to look at Lena pointedly as she says it, “outdid herself with the pregaming, and now she’s all wobbly.” Lena scoffs indignantly and sloppily shoves Maggie away, attempting and mostly succeeding to stand on her own. </p><p>“I am not wobbly,” she insists, even as she trembles just to keep her balance. Kara sees her start to tilt and instinctively reaches out for her, steadying her by the forearms, a strange electricity running through her at the touch. Lena looks up at Kara with near reverence and an affectionate smile that melts her heart. What she says next takes Kara by so much surprise that she turns to Maggie with a silent look of <i>Is this for real?</i></p><p>“Can I kiss you?” </p><p>It’s only four words, but there’s so much behind them. And she knows Lena has been drinking, doesn't want to take advantage of her, but she's weak and couldn't say no to her if she tried. After a vigorous nod of assurance and an eyebrow wiggle from Maggie as she breezes past, Kara somehow manages to shyly but enthusiastically give Lena permission, and the two step closer to each other. The air thickens with tension. This wasn’t how Kara thought a first kiss between them might go, because she has thought about it, has imagined a hundred scenarios of how it might happen...but none of those scenarios involved Lena asking to kiss her. Did this mean she actually wanted to kiss Kara? Or was she just feeling extra affectionate because of the alcohol? After so many years of low self esteem, Kara’s mind picked the latter, because <i>no way</i> is Lena actually interested in her. Their eyes stay locked until they’ve already started leaning in, both tilting their heads perfectly, as if it was natural, like they were made to do this, so their mouths could finally meet.</p><p>Kara’s mind went blank for a moment at the first touch of Lena’s lips on hers. Then, the only thought she could register was <i>Soft. So soft.</i> Suddenly, all sensation became heightened, it was as if she was drowning in Lena, her entire world shrinking down to just her, just the feeling of her lips against hers. There was the taste, mostly sweet with a little lipstick, and just a hint of the Irish whiskey Lena usually favored. The feeling was indescribable, unlike anything Kara had ever felt before, and she immediately wanted more...she tried to keep the kiss chaste however, again assuming Lena wouldn’t, couldn’t possibly, want more, but gasped as she felt the brunette’s tongue swipe across her bottom lip. There was no hesitation on Kara’s part, she immediately, eagerly opened her mouth and deepened the kiss. It was probably the best kiss of Kara’s life. She felt almost light headed at this point, still in awe of the fact that this was even happening, neither knowing nor caring how much time had passed, or what her friends thought as she and Lena locked lips right in front of them. She only knew she never wanted to stop.</p><p>This is when the overthinking kicks back in, because Lena pulls back from the kiss, and Kara immediately begins meticulously analyzing every detail of it, and making a list of things she should have done better or differently; she immediately assumes she's done something wrong. Lena smiles sweetly as they silently lock eyes once again, and Kara essentially, unknowingly, grimaces as she continues going over things in her head and mentally berating herself.  As soon as she feels Lena move to pull away completely, she quickly releases her, and smiles timidly. Behind them, Maggie and Alex exchange knowing glances, as if to say <i>Finally!</i> Neither is aware of the inner turmoil both girls are going through, Kara in a constant cycle of picking herself apart, putting herself down, and convincing herself Lena doesn’t want her, and Lena taking in Kara’s reactions and facial expressions and <i>silence</i> and coming to the conclusion that Kara doesn’t feel the same, even though she had been so sure she did. Kara noticed the smile Lena gave her was a little subdued, maybe even disappointed? But her brain refused to let her believe it was due to Lena having feelings for her. Amazing the mental gymnastics a person can do when low self esteem is the ruling emotion inside them. They parted and joined their friends without so much as a word to each other, and though they acted fine and ignored the briefly surprised looks around the table, Alex saw through it. She could tell her sister was torn up about it and putting on a brave face, and it broke her heart...<i>I don’t get what went wrong</i>...she thought to herself. She looked to Maggie and was met with knowing, sympathetic eyes. Of course Maggie saw it, of course she understood; <i>she’s perfect.</i></p><p>The rest of game night went by like usual for the most part, filled with drinks, laughter, and friendly (but still intense) competition. The only difference was a subtly less rambunctious Kara and a slightly quieter than usual Lena, though not enough to arouse suspicion within most of the group. Alex, however, noticed both of them staring off into space a few times, but they’d snapped out of it before anyone else could catch them, or simply played it off like they were tired. Lena ended up leaving early, claiming a long day and a headache had done her in, and though both of those things were technically true, she was actually leaving because she needed to be alone and absorb what happened with Kara. Kara paused briefly after closing the door behind her, taking a deep breath to calm herself after having to hug her goodbye like everything was fine when it <i>really</i> wasn’t.</p><p>Kara's phone once again tore her from her thoughts, rocketing her back to the present to see the screen light up with a call from Alex. For what may have been the first time in her life, she ignored it. Of course she loved her sister, and knew she'd need her help to get through this eventually, but for the moment she just needed the quiet solitude of her apartment and the comforting embrace of her bed. She burrowed further into her blankets and fell into a restless sleep. When she awoke a few hours later, it was to a knocking on her door. After debating waiting the person out so they would go away, she heaved herself out of bed and trudged over to the door. A look through the eyehole revealed her sister, raising her hand to knock again. Kara flung the door open and fixed Alex with a silent, irritated look.</p><p>“Well, hello to you, too,” Alex said, moving past Kara into her apartment. Kara sighed and closed the door, twisting the deadbolt slowly. She steeled herself and turned around, trying to put on an unaffected face. </p><p>“What’s up?” she asked, only making brief eye contact with her sister before walking to the kitchen and fiddling with the coffee maker. </p><p>“I don’t know, you tell me, Kara.” Alex had her arms folded and was giving Kara her widely feared no-nonsense stare. Usually, Kara would have broken down immediately, but not today. She’d already had enough time to repress her feelings, and was unwilling to let all her work be undone. </p><p>“What do you mean?” she asked innocently. Alex just stared at her, obviously seeing right through the front Kara was so desperately trying to keep up. </p><p>“You and Lena.”</p><p>Kara froze, not expecting her sister to say it so outright. Even just hearing <i>that</i> name brought the feelings roaring to the surface, like a wild animal in a cage, thrashing about and howling, demanding to be released. She mentally cursed her sister’s perceptiveness, hating how she was able to see through any facade with ease, and pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled. </p><p>“Alex, not now,” she said in a voice tinged with exasperation. </p><p>“Kara, come on. I’m worried about you,” Alex said seriously. </p><p>“I’m fine, okay? Don’t worry about it,” Kara responded, trying her absolute hardest to be convincing. She could tell Alex wasn’t buying it, so she tried a different tactic. “Look, I just...I can’t talk about it, not yet.” Alex gives her what can best be described as a big sister look, and Kara almost breaks. <i>Almost</i>. But she manages to keep it together, and carefully chooses her words so Alex will leave her to her moping. </p><p>“Not today, Alex. I’m not ready. Soon, but not today, okay?” Alex huffs a sigh, and opens her mouth in what Kara is sure is protest. “Please. I just need some time to myself,” she tries again, and this time Alex seems to accept it, though with obvious reluctance. </p><p>“Okay. Whenever you’re ready, then.” Kara nods and smiles weakly as Alex pulls her in for a hug, which she reciprocates, albeit in a less enthusiastic manner than usual. “Love you.” </p><p>“Love you, too, Al. Thanks,” Kara tells her sincerely as they walk to the door. </p><p>Alex turns back around and asks Kara, “You still doing game night tomorrow night?” </p><p>Kara rolls her eyes playfully, “Duh.” Alex smiles lightly, but she can tell Kara is putting on a brave face. And she wishes it didn’t have to be that way for her.</p><p> </p><p>-----------------</p><p> </p><p>Game night was starting off so well. Everyone was having fun, drinking and laughing, chatting about their days, as they waited for their last two friends to arrive. Kara was purposefully trying to distract herself, knowing Lena would probably arrive with James and that her night would take a turn for the worse at that point. So, maybe she poured her drink more strongly than usual, and maybe she drank it faster than usual, too. She was already on her third when she heard a knock at the door, and she felt her stomach drop. Alex saw the brief apprehension that flashed across her sister’s face, so she got up to answer the door herself. She put a hand on Kara’s shoulder as she walked past, giving her a knowing look and getting a grateful one in return. Kara joined her other friends on the couch and tried to involve herself, but couldn’t draw her mind away from the couple she knew was seconds away from joining them. There was a small panic inside her, her feelings roiling about and threatening to break through. She set her half-finished drink on the table, realizing drinking was not a good idea if she wanted to keep things under control. Next thing she knew, Lena was in her line of vision, smiling that perfect smile and greeting Kara happily...and holding James’ hand. Kara gathered her strength and smiled back, getting up to hug both of her friends and trying to ignore how they continued holding hands even as they hugged her individually. It was going to be a long night.</p><p>Kara found that if she didn’t look in Lena’s direction, she could handle things alright. Unfortunately, she couldn’t go the whole night without looking at her, or James, it would be too noticeable, and she found herself disliking her own happy disposition for the first time in her life. It meant that when she was upset, sad, or angry, anyone relatively close to her could tell instantly. It made it that much harder to keep things hidden away, to act like herself convincingly enough that no one would suspect anything. Every so often, she could feel Alex staring at her with a scrutinizing look, like she was liable to fall apart at any second. But no, she’d keep it together tonight, and fall apart later, alone, in the comfort of her bed. She knew Alex would be there for her if she needed it, but she didn’t feel like she deserved it. </p><p>“Kara?” Lena’s voice drew her out of her broody thoughts. </p><p>“Huh? What?” she asked with a shake of her head. Lena chuckled. </p><p>“It’s your turn,” she said with a gesture to the Monopoly board, before settling back into James’ embrace, who wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek, earning a bashful smile from the gorgeous woman, and Kara hated it. She hated herself. But she played past it, kept up the front and took her turn, only to end up being bankrupted by Lena. <i>Of course.</i></p><p>The game ended with Lena as the victor, not surprisingly, and good-natured grumbles from the rest of the group. </p><p>“Lena! You cheated! You’re all good with money and stuff, it’s not fair!” Winn complained with a significant slur. Lena laughed, still Kara’s favorite sound even with the pain that now accompanied it, and reached to push Winn’s shoulder lightly, laughing harder when he clutched it dramatically and tipped over to lay on the floor. </p><p>Kara closed her eyes and exhaled through her nose, desperate for strength to get through the rest of this increasingly difficult night. It seemed fate took pity on her, because Lena looked at her watch and declared she needed to leave now if she wanted to be up on time for her overseas conference call in the morning. She and James rose and started saying goodbye to everyone while Kara waited, knowing she <i>had</i> to walk them to the door like usual. She hugged James almost half-heartedly, and then Lena, definitely lingering there longer, before telling them to have a good night and shutting the door behind them with an anguished sigh.</p><p>Alex was the only one who heard the pain in Kara’s sigh, the others busy talking amongst themselves. She pulled Maggie aside and told her she was going to stay after everyone left. To her surprise, Maggie advised against it. </p><p>“I know you want to be there for your sister, but sometimes with things like this, especially when it’s so complicated, a person just needs time to sort things out on their own.” Alex shook her head. </p><p>“I know Kara, she needs to talk about this. It’s hurting her so much.” Maggie debated arguing the point further; she could see Kara retreating into herself and knew Alex likely wouldn’t get anywhere with her tonight. Instead, she shrugged and kissed Alex on the cheek, not wanting to overstep or cause unnecessary animosity. </p><p>“Okay, babe. Just...if she doesn’t want to talk, try to understand...if you push her about it, you might end up just pushing her away…” Alex looked at her girlfriend with love in her eyes. The way she would constantly try to see every side of any situation, even if it was an unpopular side, was one of the things Alex loved most about her. </p><p>“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” she told her and finished with a kiss. “Call you later?” </p><p>“You better!” </p><p>Alex rolled her eyes fondly as Maggie said her goodbyes and left, shortly followed by Winn, Lyra, and Lucy.</p><p>Kara had been getting more antsy by the minute after Maggie left, knowing that her leaving without Alex meant that she was going to stay behind to try to get her to talk. The door closed, and suddenly the silence in the apartment seemed stifling, deafening. Kara wouldn’t even look in her sister’s direction, instead busying herself with cleaning up. She moved to the table and reached down to collect the Monopoly pieces when a hand closed around her wrist and stopped her.</p><p>“Kara…” Alex trailed off softly, sympathetically, and Kara couldn’t stand it. The tears rushed to her eyes faster than she could blink them back, but she didn't let them fall. She gently removed herself from Alex’s grasp and lightly sniffled. </p><p>“Don’t,” she whispered, still refusing to make eye contact with her sister and continuing to pick up the game pieces. </p><p>“Kara, it’s okay. Talk to me,” Alex tried again, still speaking in a light voice, as if Kara was a feral animal that could be startled. The kindness and love Alex was showing her made her feel worse; she felt like a complete coward for not telling Lena how she really feels, for ignoring the signals she had blatantly sent her way, for not saying anything after the most amazing kiss of her existence. The self-deprecating voice that’s lived inside her all her life was the loudest it had ever been. She didn’t deserve sympathy for this; she should be shunned, punished even. And then here Alex was, her sister, her best friend, trying to help her and comfort her, and she was acting like this about it. It made her feel worse, like a burden to those around her. It made her feel, know, deep down, that she was unworthy of anyone’s love. It made her wonder why people said they loved her. She started closing in on herself emotionally, and suddenly all she wanted was to be alone, to wallow in her sorrow like an angsty teenager that would write forlorn poems of love and heartbreak as they locked themselves away in their dark, dreary room. She wanted to crawl into bed and never leave it again. </p><p>“You know, I can finish the clean up here, you can go, Alex,” she told her sister pointedly, glancing at her from the side as she continued to put the game back in its box. Alex put her hand on Kara’s shoulder, but was surprised when Kara flinched away instantly, her hands tightening their hold on the game box until it started to bend. “Just...go, Alex.” </p><p>“Kara. You need to talk about this. You’re obviously upset…” Alex tried again, but Kara scoffed. </p><p>“Upset?? <i>Upset!?</i> What a fucking understatement, Alex!” Brown eyes widened at Kara’s profanity, a rare thing that usually meant Kara was beside herself with bottled up emotion. At the look on her sister’s face, Kara seemed to regain some of her control. “Sorry, just...I need to be alone.” </p><p>“You need to talk about this.” The way Alex said it was almost stern, in only the way a big sister could be, but Kara wasn’t having it. </p><p>“I don’t want to. I want to go to bed and forget about it.” </p><p>“Kara, that’s not healthy…” </p><p>“I don’t care!” Kara exclaimed as she threw the Monopoly box back down on the table, the contents clattering around inside. “God! Just leave me alone, Alex! Please!” </p><p>Alex flinched when the box landed, taken aback by the anger radiating from Kara, who was no longer able to prevent the tears from leaking from her blue eyes, deciding to simply ignore them instead. She was about to try again, determined to give Kara the support she needed, but unwilling to admit that Kara had to also want it, her protectiveness winning out over everything else. She was stopped by Kara once more. </p><p>“Seriously, you act like you’re such a great sister but you won’t even listen to me,” she growled out, throwing her hands up in frustration. Alex started to speak, but was cut off again. </p><p>“I just don’t un-” </p><p>“GET OUT ALEX! I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!” </p><p>Kara was red-faced, the gravity of her emotions crushing her, and it only got worse when she saw the hurt on her sister’s face. She didn’t take back what she said, the voice inside her easily convincing her that she <i>should</i> be alone for the way she was acting. Alex blinked back her tears and stifled the pain from the outburst; Kara is obviously going through something big, and she's not handling it well. <i>She doesn't mean it,</i> Alex thinks, knowing Kara is lashing out mostly unintentionally.</p><p>“Okay,” she put her own hands up in resignation. “I love you, Kara. That will never change, no matter what. When you’re ready, I’ll be here, like <i>that</i>.” She snaps her fingers for emphasis, and leaves Kara to her sorrow. She lingers outside the door and hears Kara break down into heart wrenching sobs, and barely resists going back. She lets a few tears fall as she thinks <i>Maggie was right</i> while she gets in the elevator. She pulls out her phone and texts Maggie, telling her as much, and moves to re-pocket it, part of her wishing she had just left with her instead of upsetting Kara. Before she can get her phone back in her pocket, it chimes with a response.</p><p>
  <i>M: I know.</i>
</p><p>Alex chuckles to herself as she wipes her eyes and once again wonders how she got so lucky. She looks up from her phone as the elevator doors open and gasps happily in surprise. Maggie is standing there, smiling at her with those dimples she’s absolutely crazy about. </p><p>“Babe! What are you still doing here?!” She asked as she threw herself into Maggie’s outstretched arms, hugging her as tight as she could. </p><p>“I was waiting for you...I had a feeling it wouldn’t take long…” Alex pulled back to look Maggie in the eye, wonder apparent across her features. </p><p>“How do you always know?” she asked reverently, sniffling a little. Maggie smiled wide. </p><p>“I’m a detective, I detect,” she told her with a shrug before leaning in and stealing a quick kiss. Alex gave her a teary laugh as Maggie wrapped an arm around her waist and led her out of the building. </p><p>-----------------</p><p>As soon as the door closed behind Alex, Kara had a breakdown of epic proportions. She fell to the floor where she was and began sobbing uncontrollably, letting all the repressed and ignored emotions of the past few months bubble up and consume her; she drowned in them, curled into a ball on the cold hardwood of her living room, only stopping after an hour to turn all the lights out and crawl into bed.</p><p>Sleep would have been a welcome reprieve, but her brain refused to accept it, instead forcing her to go over and over everything in her head on an endless, unbearable loop. After two hours of tossing and turning and crying sporadically, Kara decided to get shit-faced. It was an uncharacteristic choice for her, generally not one to drink her feelings away, or drink much at all, really, but all she wanted was to forget and be dead to the world for a while. So, she put her phone on silent and left it on her nightstand before making her way out of her bedroom.</p><p>Back on the living room table she found the liquor bottles leftover from what her friends brought. She chose Lena's whiskey, <i>‘cause why not? Seems fitting.</i> And there was enough left to get her drunk, it seemed like fate. She drank it straight from the bottle, taking a couple fairly deep swigs that would make Lena proud. She released the bottle from her lips and winced at the harsh after-burn of the liquor, unable to stop herself from releasing a little hoot as she felt the burn spread down her throat to her stomach. The warmth was comforting, and she knew if she drank more soon she wouldn’t even feel the after-burn, so she took a deep breath and brought the bottle back to her mouth, managing three more big swigs before she had to break away again. It was already starting to affect her, her thoughts becoming hazy and her vision blurring slightly around the edges. She smacked her lips and held the bottle up to see how much was left. Only a couple more swigs, <i>might as well finish it.</i> </p><p>The glass bottle clinked as Kara dropped it back on the wooden table, careful not to break it but not really caring about the mess. It would be dealt with tomorrow, after she’d had ample time to go to pieces, and try to put herself back together, even though she knew some pieces would inevitably be missing. She ambled to her fridge and opened it, enjoying the blast of cold air on the outside while her insides were still warm from the alcohol. She was past tipsy now, swaying slightly as she squinted in the light that was spilling out of the appliance. She saw half a sandwich she had leftover from her lunch and grabbed it, hoping it might help prevent or at least lessen a hangover, and then in the same breath grabbed two beers, deciding she wasn’t drunk enough after all. </p><p>The couch is almost as comfortable as her bed, so she planted herself there and opened her first beer. It was gone before she even looked at the sandwich, and the second beer was open as soon as she finished her last bite. She took a few big gulps off of it and clumsily slammed it back on the table, causing it to foam up. </p><p>“Shit!” she yelled as she hurriedly picked the beer back up and started chugging from it to prevent as much spillage as possible. Surprisingly, even to herself in her inebriated state, she drank the rest of it quickly and easily, not even feeling the familiar tingle of the foam as it made its way down. She leans her arms on her knees while mindlessly turning the empty beer bottle over in her hands, opting to broodily stare at the flickering lights of the city through her balcony door. She chuckled to herself as she took stock of how she was feeling; carefree, yet at the same time weighed down, a little dizzy, and sort of...floaty. The lights of the city weren’t individual dots anymore; they coalesced into a broad, twinkling sea that seemed to move with the wind. Or maybe that was just her drunkenly swaying back and forth in place. She chuckled to herself again as she looked down, trying to hold still but unable to determine whether or not she succeeded. As she looked back out the window in front of her, a sparkly green light flashed in the distance, instantly drawing her thoughts to a certain pair of sparkly green eyes. The good mood that had overtaken her came crashing down as she remembered why she had gotten drunk in the first place. Lena. </p><p>“It’s not her fault!” she slurred out loudly to her empty apartment.</p><p>“It’s my fault…” she whispered with a sniffle.</p><p>Every interaction, any text or phone call, anything she’d ever had with Lena that gave her any inkling of hope for any sort of romance began running through her head, over and over. It frustrated her to no end as she realized how many opportunities she had really had, rubbing a hand on her forehead and groaning furiously. It became unbearable. Before she knew what she was doing, she had flung the beer bottle at her sliding glass door with a loud “<i>FUCK!</i>”, shattering it into a thousand tiny pieces. She grabbed the empty whiskey bottle and threw it, too, making more of a glassy mess. She didn’t care. </p><p>It felt good, seeing the bottles break apart like fireworks, hearing the smash and crack as they collided with the door and fell to the ground. It was fitting to Kara, because her insides felt shattered, too, and it was made all the worse by the fact that this whole thing was self-inflicted. Tears were streaming from her eyes, but she paid them no mind, instead staring at the reflections of light glancing off the tiny pieces of broken glass scattered across the floor. After a few more moments, the alcohol makes her emotions waver and fluctuate, and she feels childish and stupid for breaking the bottles. Precariously standing up, she heads for the broom and dustpan, which are in the kitchen, along with the fridge, which has more beer in it. Too drunk, past the point of caring, she drinks another, chugging it and rolling the empty bottle onto the counter carelessly as she begins to toe the line to blacking out. She moves for the small, handheld broom, stumbling and grabbing the counter for support as she slowly makes her way to the side of the fridge where it’s stored. She fumbled with the light switch for a good few seconds before finally flicking it on, her eyes scrunching up at the brightness.</p><p>Broom and dustpan in tow, she trudges back to the living room slowly, tipping this way and that under the sway of the liquor. Her vision is blurred and her insides are numb, just the feeling she had been chasing after. She laughed to herself in drunken amusement, but was quickly cut off when she tripped over her own feet and fell. She managed to drop her clean-up tools on the way down, catching herself on her hands and knees out of instinct. The pain of the glass cutting into her skin was undetectable to her in her drunken state, as was the blood slowly leaking out of the wounds (luckily for her, none were deep enough to cause a major problem). She laughed aloud again, and then started sobbing, all her emotions overcoming her like a tsunami. To further that, she knew she looked pathetic, drunk, alone, and crying hysterically amidst a pile of broken glass on the floor of her apartment. </p><p>With a shake of her head and a feeble attempt at wiping her unstopping tears away, she grabbed the broom and started trying to sweep the glass up. Unfortunately, her motor skills had been reduced to minimal at this point, and using the broom was proving to be an unusually difficult task. She dropped the broom and started pushing the glass into piles with her hands, too far gone to worry about the damage she could be doing to herself. Fortunately, she noticed the blood on her hands and stopped, becoming mesmerized by it. She watched in awe as a red droplet traveled from the bottom of her palm down to her wrist in a slow crawl, leaving a lighter red trail behind it. It seemed odd to her, how slowly it moved, how strange it felt rolling down her skin like thick syrup. There was still a small part of her that knew she shouldn’t be bleeding, and she should clean up, but moving was out of the question. All she could do was stare at her cut up hands, wondering why it doesn’t hurt when everything else does. It’s the last thought she has as the blood pushes her over the edge, and she passes out in a heap on the floor.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex discovers Kara in a worrisome position (warning:some mild descriptions of blood/cuts); Kara tries to deal with her feelings.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kara was still out cold when her neighbor, Kate, knocked on her door the next morning, slightly worried that Kara wasn’t out to greet her like usual. Kara always said good morning to her, even if she was having a rare sick day. At hearing no sound from within, and after hearing breaking glass and sobbing last night (or rather, early that morning), she was definitely worried. She felt thankful she had exchanged numbers with Alex, and pulled her phone out to call her. There was no answer at first, the voicemail picking up. Kate hung up and called again, hoping Alex would answer this time. </p><p>“Hello?” </p><p>She could tell she’d woken her up, but she still sighed with relief. </p><p>
<i>“Hey, Alex. It’s Kate, Kara’s neighbor. Sorry to wake you…”</i>
</p><p>“It’s okay. What’s up, Kate” Alex asked through her sleepy haze, rubbing at her eyes and yawning.</p><p>
<i>“Well, I don’t want to alarm you, but Kara hasn’t come out of her apartment this morning and when I knocked there was no answer. And I know normally that might not be worrisome, but last night I heard glass breaking and...well, I don’t want to intrude, but...I think I heard crying, too, and I'm just kind of...concerned.”</i>
</p><p>Alex was instantly alert and concerned, but unsure if Kara would want to see her. </p><p>“Thanks for telling me, Kate. I don't think she wants me there though, we kind of fought, and she told me to leave, so I did…” Alex trailed off, more awake now, chewing a fingernail as she fretted about her sister. Just as she opened her mouth to continue, Kate responded.</p><p>
<i>“That sounds bad, and maybe she wants to be alone, but I really feel like someone should just check on her. I just thought I’d let you know.”</i>
</p><p>“Ok, maybe I’ll stop by just in case.” </p><p>
<i>“Thanks, Alex.”</i>
</p><p>“No, thank you. See you later.” </p><p>Alex hung up and immediately dialed Kara's number. It just rang and rang until it went to voicemail. She tried again and got the same result, so she put her phone down with a concerned sigh and looked at Maggie, who was awake and looking back at her with a soft expression. </p><p>“You heard all that?” Alex asked. Maggie merely nodded, looking at her girlfriend questioningly. “Yes, I’m gonna go check on her. Don’t try to stop me,” she said warily, ready to put up a fight. </p><p>“I think you should, honestly,” Maggie told her. Alex gaped at her in surprise. </p><p>“Last night you told me to leave her alone, and now you’re telling me not to?” Maggie smiled kindly at Alex. </p><p>“I stand by what I said. I think she may still want to be alone or might not want to talk, but after what her neighbor said, I’d wanna check on her too,” she finished with a shrug. Alex smiled and kissed Maggie, lingering briefly before rising from her bed and finding some clothes to wear. </p><p>“You staying here?” Alex asked in a slightly muffled voice as she pulled her shirt on. </p><p>“Yeah, I think it's for the best. I’m pretty sure Kara won’t wanna see anyone else,” Maggie replied. Alex sat back on the bed and ran her fingers through her short hair with a sigh. </p><p>“I’m worried about her. I just...I don’t know what to do to help her through this, and I’m scared that she’ll shut me out, or worse, that I’ll push her away,” she confessed quietly, fiddling with the hem of her shirt nervously and looking at the floor as she spoke. Maggie sat up and wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulders, rubbing her arms up and down as she tried to quiet some of the anxiety seeping out of her. </p><p>“All you need to do is <i>be there</i>. Whether it’s as a shoulder to cry on, or just to listen, or just to be around her so she’s not alone. All that matters is that she knows you love her and that you’re there for her.” Alex exhaled heavily at Maggie’s comforting words, amazed by and thankful for her ability to be honest and intuitive about a situation. It certainly made sense for her to be a detective. </p><p>“Thanks, Mags,” she said with grateful reverence as she stared into Maggie’s brown eyes lovingly. She got her favorite dimpled smile in return, and leaned in for a kiss once more, unable to help herself.</p><p> </p><p>-----------------</p><p> </p><p>It only took Alex ten minutes to get to Kara’s place, and she’d never been more thankful for choosing the apartment that was closer to her sister rather than going for the fancy one with a view. As soon as the elevator doors opened, she spotted Kate waiting in the hallway across from Kara’s door. </p><p>“Hey, Kate. Thanks again for calling me,” she said sincerely, looking the woman in the eye and making sure to convey her gratitude. She nodded her head. </p><p>“Of course. It just seems so unlike her, I figured better safe than sorry. She’s such a sweetheart, I know she’d do the same for me.” Alex couldn’t help but smile at that. </p><p>“Yeah, that’s Kara.” </p><p>It was true, Kara was a very caring and giving person, offering help to Kate (or any neighbor) any time she saw her carrying groceries or struggling with luggage or anything of the sort. Both women fell silent as they each hoped for the best. Alex decided to knock first, just in case. Three knocks, and not a sound could be heard. She tried again, and called out this time. </p><p>“Kara? Are you there?” No answer. Alex was beside herself with worry now; even if Kara wanted to be alone, she surely would’ve yelled back and told her as much. She fumbled with her keys until she managed to get Kara’s spare in hand, ignoring the slight tremble in her fingers. </p><p>“Kara? I’m coming in, okay? I just wanna be sure you’re alright,” she announced as she unlocked the door. She pushed it open slightly and still heard nothing; not even the tv was playing. She looked to her right where Kate now stood, clearly as nervous as she was. </p><p>“I’ll wait here, you holler if you need me, okay?” </p><p>“Okay,” Alex agreed as she pushed the door open and walked inside, eyes darting about, getting frantic in their search for her little sister. </p><p>“Kara?” she called out again. As she stepped forward, she saw a broom in the middle of the floor, another thing that was extremely uncharacteristic for her sister, and curiously moved towards it, all of her attention zoned in on this strangely out of place cleaning tool. As she got closer, she noticed blood on the handle and froze in her tracks. Her heart felt as if it would burst from her chest as her eyes took in the area around the broom. There were glass shards of all sizes scattered everywhere below the slider, and droplets of blood spotted on and in between them, almost like some sort of twisted art piece. And in the middle of it all lay Kara, on her side and seemingly unmoving, her face covered by her hair, and her hands and wrists messy with blood. A loud gasp escaped from Alex in her panic as her hand flew over her mouth, eyes as wide as they’d ever been. Never in her life had she felt such a sudden and shocking fear. Never in her life did she think she would see Kara like this. She raced to her sister’s side, skidding on her knees to land next to her. </p><p>“Kara?! Oh my god…Oh my god…” Tears were streaming down her face as she gripped Kara’s shoulder with one hand and pushed her hair away from her face with the other. Relief flooded through her at feeling Kara’s warmth. She gently shook Kara, unable to think or process anything, just needing her baby sister to be okay. </p><p>“Kara? Kara. Kara, please wake up…” Alex sniffled as she trailed off, breath shuddering and hands shaking. Kara stirred, groaning lightly as she began to wake from her alcohol and sadness induced unconsciousness. Alex sighed in slight relief, though worry was still rampant in her mind. As Kara slowly dragged herself from the depths of sleep, Alex examined her hands and wrists, checking for any major damage. It was easy to come to the conclusion that Kara had fallen once she examined the wounds and their placement. None of the cuts were bad enough for her to need stitches, thankfully, but there were some fairly deep ones that could easily open up again if not attended to. Alex continued to watch Kara carefully as she finally came to.</p><p>Kara felt herself being shaken and groaned. Her head felt three times too big and throbbed with every breath she took, her knees were oddly sore, the palms of her hands stung, and her throat was Death Valley dry. The floor didn’t help her situation either, her spine felt like it had been twisted up like an old phone cord. </p><p><i>Why am I on the floor?</i> </p><p>She groaned again, wincing at the sharp pulse it caused in her head. A soft sniffle echoed through the silence of her apartment. </p><p><i>Is someone crying? Am I crying?</i> </p><p>Complex thoughts were hard to put together in her current state, like her brain was filled with thick sand. It was then she realized there was a hand squeezing her shoulder and someone (the crying someone?) was moving her hair off her face. She shifted so she could lay on her back, but was stopped by the hand on her shoulder. A feeble whimper came out of her as she tried to fight the hand but found no strength to do so. </p><p>“Stop trying to roll over, there’s glass behind you,” a familiar voice said. The voice sounded sad, like they’d been crying, but there was also a hint of exasperation in their tone. It had to be…</p><p>“Alex?” Kara croaked out, slowly opening one eye to squint at her sister. When she saw Alex’s tear-stained face and red rimmed eyes she immediately opened her other eye, instantly worried about her sister even in her disoriented state. She lifted her head and reached up to touch Alex’s face, to wipe her tears away like a good sister would, but stopped halfway when she saw the blood on her hand. As she took in her wounds, her brain finally seemed to catch up, and the night before came rushing back. It startled Kara, making her gasp as she remembered all the pain, the anger at herself, the way she treated Alex...the drinking...Lena and James, together, happily. It was overwhelming, too much to bear as she looked from her hand back to Alex with tears brimming in her stormy blue eyes. </p><p>“Alex…” Her voice was small and broken, an anguished whimper filled with pain and sorrow as she let her tears begin to fall. Alex instinctively reached out for her little sister, cradling her into her lap as she began to cry heavily. Kara started to apologize, still feeling guilty for her treatment of Alex even while she was in so much pain, but Alex shushed her and just held her closer, telling her it’d be okay as she gently rocked them back and forth. Kara gave in, gripping onto Alex's shirt as she let the tears fall and the emotions consume her.</p><p>Alex watched over Kara for a moment before she remembered Kate had been waiting outside and looked towards the door. The woman stood just inside, clearly trying not to intrude, eyebrows raised in concern. She silently asks, “You guys okay?”, and Alex nods and mouths back a silent but extremely grateful thank-you. She watches as Kate nods and sneaks back out of the apartment, pulling the door shut quietly enough that it can’t be heard over Kara’s despondent sobs. Alex continues to hold her, unbothered by their awkward position on the floor, her sister the only thing she could see, her heart breaking at one of her favorite people looking so broken.</p><p>Kara’s breath hitched as she tried to speak again. </p><p>“A-Alex. I'm s-so so-sorr-” </p><p>“Shhhhh, shhhhhhh Kara, it's okay, it's okay,” she told her softly. Kara teared up more at her sister's kindness while Alex pushed her hair from her face again. She cried for nearly half an hour, just allowing herself to be held by her big sister. When her sobs finally subsided into small sniffles, Alex broke the almost-silence. “Come on, let's get you cleaned up.” </p><p>Kara nodded tearfully, letting out a breath as if to prepare herself. The headache was much worse now due to all the crying, which she discovered as she sat up. Rubbing her temples didn't really help, but she did it subconsciously anyway. </p><p>“Oh. Your knees,” Alex softly gasped as she finally took in her sister’s bloody knees. Kara followed her gaze down and parroted her gasp when she saw the blood. </p><p>“I...I must have fallen,” she said quietly. </p><p>“Yeah. It’s alright, come on,” Alex told her. They stood to head towards the bathroom, or rather, Alex stood and essentially heaved Kara to her feet. A few moments were taken to allow Kara’s head to stop spinning before they started walking. Alex could hear Kara’s sadness in the way she walked, her steps slow and shaky, her feet making sliding sounds as they were barely lifted from the floor. She looked pale and excessively tired...haggard, if Alex had to pick a word.</p><p>They made their way to the bathroom at a slow pace, with Kara wincing every few steps. “Uh-oh,” she quietly groaned, pushing herself away from Alex and making a beeline for the toilet. She fell to her knees, which split open and began slowly bleeding again, and started vomiting. Alex was still for only a moment, shaking her head to break out of her stunned state and moving quickly to wrap Kara’s hair in a ponytail whilst rubbing her back comfortingly. She watched over her sister carefully, wincing at the unholy amount of vomit leaving her body. Kara’s knuckles were white where she gripped the toilet bowl, her back arched as she continued retching. Finally, when she felt secure enough to stand, Alex suggested a shower. Kara nodded as she washed her hands, with tears streaming down her face, and brushed her teeth while Alex grabbed her some towels. </p><p>“You’ll be okay in here?” Kara swished her mouthwash around once more before spitting it out and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She gave Alex a feeble, “Yeah,” and waited for her to shut the door behind her. </p><p>“I’ll be right outside if you need anything, and we’ll bandage you up when you’re done,” she told her as she walked out. Kara merely nodded and began undressing as the door shut. She got into the shower and turned the water up so hot it was nearly unbearable. She needed to feel something other than the pain inside her, even if it was just pain on the outside instead. She couldn’t stop the tears from overwhelming her again, and shoved her face under the stream of water to wash them away instantly, unbothered by the hot sting of it. She finally began washing herself, hissing when she went over her knees a little too roughly. Blood started leaking out again, and she watched it make its way down her legs as if in a trance, hypnotized by the way it mixed with the water to become a lighter red before swirling down and away into the drain. She watched it for longer than she realized, because a knock sounded on her bathroom door. </p><p>“Kara? Are you alright?” Alex called out. Kara chuckled humorlessly; she was so incredibly far from alright. </p><p>“Yeah. I’ll be out in a few,” she answered back. </p><p>It took more than a few minutes, but Kara finally emerged from the bathroom, clean but looking no more refreshed or less unhappy than before she had gone in. Alex gave her a small, sad smile and beckoned her to sit on the couch, where she had the first-aid kit waiting. Kara wordlessly obeyed, her movements still slow and tired. Alex cleaned the remnants of blood from Kara’s still bleeding knees and bandaged them, then did the same for her hands and wrists. Kara looked at the bandages like she wished they weren’t there, like she felt like she deserved to bleed. It tore Alex up inside, but she knew she had to be strong for her sister. </p><p>“We should talk about this, but...do you wanna take a nap first?” Kara seemed relieved as she nodded and stood quickly, wincing at the pain in her head. </p><p>“Oh. Here,” Alex said as she dug through the first-aid kit and produced a couple of painkillers to give to Kara. Kara took them gratefully, but silently, and swallowed them down with the glass of water Alex offered and the hope that she wouldn’t throw them back up. She set the glass down and walked towards her bedroom without a word. Alex stared after her, heart aching for her sister and the state she was in. Kara came back around the corner and looked at Alex. </p><p>“Thanks, Al.” </p><p>There was no smile on her face, but Alex could hear the sincerity in her words. </p><p>“Of course. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Kara gave her a half-hearted smile and returned to her bedroom, falling onto her bed with a huff. She drew a pillow to her chest and gripped onto it as she closed her eyes and hoped for sleep. The emotional exhaustion she felt pulled her into a brief, fitful slumber, one that didn’t truly refresh her, and did nothing to sate the rawness throughout her being.</p><p>Once she had awoken from her nap, she moved back into the main area of her apartment to find her sister laying on the couch, quietly watching something on Netflix. Alex sat up at the sight of Kara and shut the TV off as she looked over her. She didn’t look much better, still pale and now with dark circles under her eyes. She sat down next to Alex and immediately put her head in her hands and sighed. Alex simply waited, knowing Kara would start talking about it when she was ready. It didn’t take long. </p><p>“God, I screwed up so bad, Alex,” she said in a strangled voice. </p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>Another big sigh escaped Kara before she responded. “I…” she exhales heavily, preparing herself to finally say it out loud. </p><p>“I’m in love with Lena. And now she’s with James, and it just...it hurts so bad.” Kara ran a hand through her hair and fell back into the couch, staring up at the ceiling and trying her best to blink the tears away, though it was futile. Alex waited to speak, knowing she needed to let Kara get things off her chest. </p><p>“The worst part is, it’s all my fault. I had a chance, and I completely screwed it up. Every time she and James kissed, every time they...god, it feels like there’s a gaping hole in my chest, and I’m the idiot that dug it out.” Her words came out shaky and stuttered, fighting to get out through her tears. </p><p>Alex sighed, “I’m sorry, kiddo. What happened though? I really thought you two would get together.” Kara chuckled, but there was no humour in it. </p><p>“I couldn’t get past my own bullshit, and by the time I did, by the time I realized she might’ve felt the same, it was too late.” </p><p>“‘Your own bullshit’?” </p><p>Kara turned her head towards Alex while still resting it on the back of the couch, her red eyes making contact with Alex’s clear but concerned ones. </p><p>“I just thought she’d never be into me. I thought she was just messing around…” she trailed off, looked away from Alex, and took another deep breath. “I was scared. I didn’t feel worthy of her, I didn’t think I deserved her. She’s a billionaire! And she’s so smart and kind, and completely stunning!” Kara was nearly yelling now, though Alex took no offence at it. It was obvious she was admonishing herself. Kara continued on. </p><p>“What could I possibly offer her?” she lamented quietly, but not so quietly that Alex couldn’t hear it.</p><p>“Kara, it doesn’t matter that you’re not rich, and maybe you’re not as smart as she is, but she’s smarter than most people, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t smart. You’re a wonderful, gorgeous person, and anyone, no matter their status, would be lucky to have you.” And I’m certain Lena would agree with me, she thought, though refrained from adding it, knowing it wasn’t something Kara needed to hear at the moment. Kara gave her an anguished smile and thanked her half heartedly. It pained Alex to see her sister in this state, but she didn’t exactly know how to make it better, either. She opened her arms and offered a hug, which Kara gratefully accepted. She sighed into the hug, feeling at least a momentary comfort in the safety of her big sister’s arms. Alex stroked her hair softly, wishing she could take the pain away for Kara. </p><p>“If you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s okay, but...it might be good for you. And who knows, she and James might not last,” Alex offered thoughtfully. Kara sat back up and away from her. </p><p>“I just want her to be happy, and if that means being with James, then...I’ll deal.” Alex raised her eyebrows, but she could see the seriousness in Kara’s face, could hear it in her voice. She really meant it. </p><p>“Wow. You do love her. That’s an incredible thing to want for someone, but it would be so painful, and you don’t deserve that,” she said honestly. </p><p>Kara shrugged, “It’s better to have her as a friend than to not have her at all.” </p><p>If it were Alex, she’d end the friendship, because she knows she wouldn’t be able to handle seeing the person she loved being happy with someone else. It would hurt too much to bear. It’s one of the areas where she and her sister differ heavily, because Kara is the most giving, selfless person she’s ever known. Alex isn’t selfish by any means of the word, but Kara is on her own level. It’s one of the things that makes her who she is, and one of the many things Alex loves about her. <i>Still</i>, she thinks, <i>she shouldn’t put herself through that pain, it’s not good for anyone</i>.</p><p>“That may be true, but you shouldn’t have to feel that kind of pain. You deserve better,” she tells her softly with a hand on her shoulder. Kara scoffs at her before responding. </p><p>“Do I? I told you, Alex, this is all my fault. I could’ve been with her, but I screwed it all up. I thought I wasn’t worthy, I <i>still</i> don’t think I am, but she did. She thought I was, but I was just...such an idiot.” Kara looked back at the ceiling again, clearly trying to stop her next onslaught of tears. </p><p>“Well, I’d hate to see you put yourself through that. Maybe she still feels that way, you could-” Alex stopped mid-sentence, but the implication was clear. Kara whipped her head back towards her sister with a disbelieving look. </p><p>“I could what? Tell her how I feel? Why? So I can ruin the friendship, so I can make James feel awkward around me and probably lose his friendship, too? Yeah, right. Besides, she looked so...happy...I just, I can’t do that to her.” She heaves another melancholy sigh as she finishes, a sound and feeling she was becoming all too familiar with. </p><p>“Well...I already know what you’ll say, but what if you started seeing her less? It might not be as hard. I know you’d never end the friendship, but it’s what I’d do. I just don’t have that kind of strength, and, honestly, Kara, you shouldn’t have to. It’d be okay if that’s what you wanted to do,” Alex said, doing her best to word it properly to avoid upsetting Kara any further. Kara looked at her so sadly she felt her heart break for her all over again. </p><p>“It’d be just as hard not having her in my life at all. I really love our friendship, and it’s not so bad when we hang just the two of us…” Alex sighed and looked at Kara seriously. </p><p>“It’s not so bad? Kara, I don’t want you to think I’m being an asshole or anything, but I can see it in every interaction you have with her; it’s deep and meaningful for you, and I’m pretty sure the time will come when you can’t hide it anymore. I mean, what if they end up getting married eventually? You’re telling me you’re gonna be able to sit through that wedding with no problem?” </p><p>Kara looked angry at first, surprised that her sister would say something like that, but she realized Alex was right. How could she ever get used to seeing them together? What if they <i>did</i> get married someday, and she had to be there? Had to watch it? Hell, Lena would probably ask her to be a bridesmaid, or even worse, her maid of honor, and how on earth could she possibly get through that? She’d probably barely make it through brunch with everyone on Sunday. </p><p>Alex was a little startled when Kara burst into tears, but quickly rushed to wrap her up in a hug again. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” she apologized. </p><p>“It’s f-fine. You’re right, you’re totally right. God, what am I gonna do Alex?” Kara said as she sobbed into her shoulder harder, soaking the fabric of Alex’s shirt with her tears. Alex just held her until she calmed down marginally. When she finally pulled back, she made sure to look Kara in the eye with as much love as she could. </p><p>“Whatever you decide to do, I’ll be here to support you, even if I don’t agree with it. I mean, I’ll definitely let you know I don’t agree with it, but I’ll still be here.” That earned a small smile from Kara, something Alex was incredibly happy to see. Kara would get back to herself, eventually. <i>Hopefully</i>. </p><p>“Thanks, Alex. I love you.” </p><p>“Love you, too.” </p><p>They hugged again and settled into the couch, with Alex letting Kara pick something to watch to hopefully distract her, to let her distance herself from her hurt just a little. They spent the rest of the day together, discussing things once in a while, but mostly just enjoying each other’s company. When Alex finally headed home it was close to midnight, but she had been afraid to leave Kara alone. After multiple reassurances from her and the promise she would call if things got too hard, no matter what time it was, Alex relented and left, but not without one more long hug.</p><p>-----------------</p><p>The next few days weren’t as bad as that one night for Kara, but they were still awful. There were multiple times when she had to nearly run to the bathroom to cry or throw up, becoming overwhelmed by her feelings when she would think of Lena or see a text or missed call from her. She knew her flimsy excuses of being too busy at work would run out, and she’d have to meet up with Lena eventually. She just needed a little more time. Just a little more time to try and get over it, to shove her feelings down inside and forget about them. It was extremely difficult, but she was trying. Unfortunately, every time she felt like she made even any semblance of progress, she’d think of Lena or be reminded of her and everything would come rushing painfully back. Eventually, she gave in and decided she could never stop feeling this way, could never stop loving her. But as long as she was happy, she’d take the pain. She didn’t realize how hard it would be until she answered a phone call without looking at the ID, being too distracted by wallowing in her thoughts.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>
  <i>“Hey, stranger! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all week! Where have you been?”</i>
</p><p>The sound of Lena’s voice startled and comforted her in the same breath, because feelings aside, she did truly miss her friend. Kara gulped and took a deep breath before responding, trying to brace herself for the inevitable pain that would come when the call ended. </p><p>“Hey Lena. Sorry, work has been really busy. It’s just been one of those weeks, ya know?”</p><p>
  <i>“It’s okay, I totally know what you mean, it’s been the same here. But I still miss you all the same. I was hoping we could get together soon?”</i>
</p><p><i>Crap. I’m not ready for this.</i> Now that she had aired her feelings to Alex, they were in the forefront of her mind, they had been all week, which made it hard to hold a conversation with Lena without breaking down. She managed to keep it together, though just barely. She was glad this was a phone conversation, and not one in person.</p><p>“For sure. When were you thinking?” </p><p>
  <i>“Well, how about tonight? We can have a sleepover since we’re all having brunch in the morning anyway.”</i>
</p><p>Kara’s eyes went wide as she fought with herself inside. Half of her really wanted to spend time with Lena, to just be around her, because they always had a great time, and she genuinely enjoyed her company. How could she not? The other half of her still felt too raw, too ensconced in her feelings to be able to handle it. She couldn’t see any reasonable way out of it, though, knowing Lena was too smart not to notice that something was up. No, the best course of action she could see was to pretend like everything was normal. She couldn’t make Lena suffer for her own bad decisions. All Lena wanted was to spend time with her best friend, and Kara found herself unable to say no.</p><p>“Sure. What time?”</p><p>
  <i>“Well, I actually had to go in to work today, and I’ll be here for another few hours. Maybe at like, six or seven?”</i>
</p><p>Kara rolled her eyes fondly at Lena’s tendency to be a workaholic, and then felt a pang of pain at the fact that Lena was so willing to make time for her.</p><p>
  <i>“Kara? Are you okay?”</i>
</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, sorry. Let’s uh, let’s just do seven, yeah? I’ve got an article to finish up myself.”</p><p>It was a lie, but one that Kara felt was necessary. She was going to use the time to prepare herself emotionally to spend a whole night with Lena without letting her feelings burst forth from her. She tried to remind herself that speaking her feelings aloud would cause Lena pain, and she didn’t want to do that to her.</p><p>
  <i>“Sure! I’ll bring the wine. I-oh shoot. I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta run, there’s an investor waiting for me, I totally forgot.”</i>
</p><p>Kara heard Lena thank Jess for the reminder, and breathed a sigh of relief. She had to get her feelings under control before tonight. </p><p>“No problem. I’ll see you tonight, Lena.”</p><p>“Yeah! See you later, Kara.”</p><p>“Bye.”</p><p>
  <i>This is gonna suck.</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kara and Lena hang out, but Kara continues to struggle with her feelings. Angst and then...maybe...a little smut.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There's some stuff in this chapter that I'm not quite happy with, but I just can't look at it any more! Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kara sits on her couch and silently stares straight ahead. Her conversation with Lena replays in her head against her will, her brain urging her to accept what she feels in her heart. She can’t see Lena as just a friend. She never has. She’d do anything for her, even pretend like they were <i>just friends</i>, but she knows she’ll always see her as more. She’ll always love her. And as long as Lena’s happy, it doesn’t matter if she loves her back in the same way. It’ll hurt, deeply, but for Lena, it’s worth it. She’s worth it. Always. </p><p>After heaving a sigh, Kara rises from the couch, deciding on a bath to prepare herself for the night ahead. She’s hung out with Lena many times, of course, but now that she has her feelings in the forefront of her mind, she’s worried she’ll have a hard time hiding it. As she starts running the water, she begins to think back over the last few months, and how she slowly realized she had indeed had a chance with Lena, but completely screwed it up. She knew she shouldn’t be thinking about it right before Lena came over, but she couldn’t stop herself. As she sinks into the warm water she begins to cry, wrapping her arms around herself and not stopping until the water turns cold. After draining the tub she stood and rinsed herself off, then reached for her towel and phone. </p><p>“Shit!” she exclaimed when she saw the time. Lena would be arriving any minute, and not only was Kara completely naked and soaking wet, she still hadn’t had nearly enough time to recover herself emotionally. She hastily dried herself off and wrapped her hair in a towel as she looked for her usual comfy sweatpants and tank top. She found them quickly enough, along with her favorite bra, and pulled them on. She rubbed the towel through her hair a little more before throwing it in her laundry basket. On her way out of her room, she grabbed her glasses and a flannel, throwing it on over her tank top to keep her wet hair off her back. </p><p>A knock sounded as she walked out into her living room, alerting her to Lena’s arrival. She buttoned her flannel up halfway as she headed for the door and, after a few deep breaths and a whispered <i>You can do this</i>, pulled it open. </p><p>“Hi!” Lena exclaimed as Kara opened the door, smiling up at her and reaching out for a hug. Kara seemed a little stunned, but Lena brushed it off and quickly embraced her before walking inside. It was the smile Lena flashed that stunned Kara. She’d seen her smile a million times, she’d been the cause of it a lot of those times, but in her current emotional state it was like she stabbed a knife through her own heart. Kara stood at the door for a moment, unable to help her thoughts and trying to stamp down the pain in her chest. </p><p><i>How am I going to get through this?</i> </p><p>Lena was already making herself at home, like she always does, setting her purse and the wine she brought on the counter and heading to the bathroom to put her own comfy clothes on. Kara shook her head as she shut the door, trying to come out of her stupor. Lena was going to notice if she didn’t stop acting this way. She tried to settle herself as Lena changed, using her phone to start streaming music, picking something upbeat with the hopes it would help distract her. As soon as Lena comes out of the bathroom, Kara knows her efforts have been futile. She’s dressed in short sleep shorts and a baggy, worn Guns-N-Roses t-shirt with her silky dark hair freed from its bun and framing her face. She breezes by, unaware of the dumbstruck expression on her friend’s face, and begins opening their first bottle of wine as she asks Kara about her day. Kara manages to carry on a conversation like a normal human being, and marvels at how easy it is to just be herself with Lena, even when she’s a total mess on the inside. It makes her love her more.</p><p>It’s their usual routine, chatting for awhile as they start in on their wine, but with Kara’s earlier revelation that she can’t deny her feelings anymore, she finds herself remarkably distracted, by things like Lena’s long fingers working deftly to get the bottle open, the way she laughs, loud and uninhibited with a slight snort, when Kara says something funny, the way her legs look in her tiny shorts. The way she smiles. Kara gulps her wine down and refills her glass while Lena is distracted by some work issue on her phone, hoping it will help relax her a little. She fills her glass more than she should and immediately rectifies it by drinking almost half of it. </p><p>“Sorry, this board member is being an ass, I’ll be done in a second,” Lena apologizes with a sigh. The sound of her voice drew Kara’s eyes up to her, and she started to have thoughts she shouldn’t have when the stretched out neck hole of Lena's shirt slips over her shoulder, exposing her creamy skin to Kara’s wandering eyes. She’s thinking about mapping some of those cute little freckles with her tongue when Lena’s voice draws her back to the present. </p><p>“Kara? Are you okay? You seem distracted,” Lena asks. Kara starts a little and looks back up to Lena, who has an eyebrow raised. </p><p>“Huh? Oh, yeah, psshh, I’m fine!” <i>Geez, tone it down, spaz</i>, she internally berates herself for her inability to keep her inner turmoil concealed. So, she does the first thing she can think of to distract Lena as they grab the wine and head over to the couch. </p><p>“How are things with James?” </p><p>Now she’s internally kicking herself. She does care, because she wants Lena to be happy no matter what it takes, but asking about it usually leads to Kara twisting the figurative knife in her heart ever deeper. This time she notices Lena’s light seems to dim slightly, but she sits and answers that things are great and then, to Kara’s dismay, turns the question around on her. </p><p>“What about you? What’s happening in your love life?” </p><p><i>Oh, I’m in love with my best friend, who is also my other best friend’s girlfriend, no big deal.</i> </p><p>Kara can’t help her negative thoughts as she joins Lena on the couch; old habits die hard, and they tend to surface more when she drinks. A little bit of it breaks through when she answers, scoffing before she does so. </p><p>“What love life?” </p><p>She can’t help the derogatory way the sentence comes out and, in her wallowing, misses the displeased look that crosses Lena’s face at hearing the words. </p><p>“Come on, surely there’s somebody? I find it hard to believe someone like you has trouble getting a date.” </p><p>Kara knows the wine is loosening her tongue, she can feel it creeping through her slowly and putting a slight haze over everything. She still feels the remnants of her emotional breakdown earlier and finds herself unable to help voicing her thoughts. Lena’s thoughtful caring eyes certainly don’t help, either.</p><p>“No one’s interested.” </p><p>It comes out in a clipped voice, something that takes Lena by surprise. Kara stares at her wine as she swirls it and mutters under her breath, “Not that I blame them.” It’s not quiet enough for Lena to miss, however, and she immediately admonishes Kara. </p><p>“What?! Don’t talk like that! There are people who would line up for a chance to go out with you!” Kara just gives her a small smile, and Lena can see the anguish in it, and immediately tries to reassure her again. </p><p>“Kara, you’re a catch. I mean that,” she tells her, and Kara can see the sincerity on her face, and it hurts too much. </p><p>She mumbles out a “Thanks,” and looks away...tries not to cry. Lena’s not having it. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” </p><p>Kara pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs heavily, inadvertently contradicting what she was about to say. </p><p>“Nothing. Everything’s fine,” she tries to play it off, faking a smile and adjusting her glasses. Lena still sees through it and gives Kara a look. </p><p>“Come on, I can see it on your face, Do I need to make someone disappear? I know people,” she says with faux seriousness and a raised eyebrow. The attempt at levity draws a small chuckle from Kara, but she’s quickly subdued by the fact that the person she’s hurting over is sitting in front of her, genuinely trying to comfort that hurt. Her face drops again and it worries Lena. “Seriously, Kara, you can talk to me about anything,” she puts a hand on her shoulder gently as she speaks. Kara shakes her head, she feels herself crumbling on the inside, her emotions threatening to bubble back up and take over her. </p><p>“Not this…” she trails off as she sniffles and looks away again, trying and failing to wipe her eyes discreetly. </p><p>Lena reads her avoidance the wrong way and asks in a sad voice, “You don’t trust me?” </p><p>It’s her natural reaction, after her upbringing and all the people who have hurt her, almost like she expects everyone to tire of her eventually. Kara whips her head around and begins to reassure Lena without even thinking about it. </p><p>“Of <i>course</i> I trust you!! I trust you with my life, with <i>anything</i>! It’s not...it’s not like that…”.</p><p>Lena looks confused and tilts her head as she replies, “Then what’s it like?” </p><p>Kara laughs mirthlessly and looks to the ceiling. “I just...I can’t talk about it. It’s something that’s my fault anyways, so...it’s fine. I’ll deal with it,” she says, finishing her wine and pouring more.</p><p>Lena gives her a look, like she knows there’s a lot more to it than that, and Kara, in that moment, hates how well she knows her. She breaks eye contact with Lena and fidgets, wiping her palms back and forth on her pants. Lena grabs one of her hands to stop her, forcing Kara to look back at her. </p><p>“Kara.” </p><p>The tone of Lena’s voice is stern, but kind, and she looks at Kara with such tender care that she finally can’t stand it anymore. She breaks down, bending forward and sobbing into her hands, only briefly surprising Lena before she rushes to wrap Kara up in a hug. </p><p><i>This is getting dangerous</i> Kara thinks, knowing that Lena’s kindness will force her walls down, and then what? She can’t confess her love; that’s not a possibility. That would be selfish and stupid. She can’t keep sitting here in her arms, either, though. Kara pushes her away, still quietly sniffling and crying, because she’ll stay in her embrace all night if she gets the chance. She catches Lena’s look of surprise and...hurt?...as she pushes away from her. </p><p>“Sorry...Thanks. I, um…” she doesn’t know how to lie to Lena, especially when she’s looking at her with so much open concern, so she settles for a partial truth. </p><p>“I…” she sighs wearily and uses the back of her hand to wipe at her eyes. It’s harder than she thought, saying any of it out loud, let alone to the very person it’s about. Feelings are warring inside her, a large part of her wanting to say <i>anything</i> about it to anyone who would listen, to finally have some of the burden lifted from her shoulders, while the other part knows she absolutely should not say anything because Lena is with James, and saying it aloud could cost her both friendships, and though she’d always want more from Lena, friendship is the bare minimum, because she can’t not have her in her life. And Lena is sitting here with her, just trying to be a good friend, trying to help Kara out of the goodness of her heart, and Kara can’t resist it. She tries again for her partial truth. </p><p>“I have feelings for someone that I...I <i>can’t</i> have feelings for...It-I would say it’s complicated, but...it’s just my fault…” Lena’s open look makes her trail off and put her head back in her hands, breath stuttering out in a shaky exhale. Lena cautiously puts a hand on Kara’s shoulder again as she speaks. </p><p>“I’m not sure exactly what you mean, but if you have feelings for this person, I bet they’re pretty amazing, just like you, and they’d be understanding if you tell them, whether they feel the same way or not,” she finishes, leaving the final part of her speech unsaid, because even though she’s tried to get over her feelings, to push them deep down where they can’t be felt, they still break out sometimes. <i>They’d be crazy if they didn’t feel the same way.</i> </p><p>Kara’s blue eyes water at Lena’s words, because she’s certain Lena would not react that way. She’d be pissed, and rightfully so. Kara tries to tell her as much, without revealing that it’s her she’s talking about. </p><p>“I don’t think they will...and I wouldn’t blame them. Like I said, it’s my fault. I can’t say anything to them now...I’ve already said too much.” It’s a neutral enough statement that Lena doesn’t see the extra meaning behind it. Instead she looks at Kara sympathetically, and Kara hates it. She knows she doesn’t deserve it, and that Lena wouldn’t feel any sympathy if she knew the truth. </p><p>“Well, I can’t imagine anyone being upset at you having feelings for them,” Lena says honestly, and it kills Kara. Her feelings are starting to boil over, and she’s afraid she’s going to end up blurting out the truth if this conversation keeps going the way it is, if Lena keeps looking at her with such unconditional kindness.</p><p>Kara stands abruptly, needing to get out from under Lena’s penetrating stare, and starts pacing back and forth in her living room. She wrings her hands together nervously while she paces, and Lena watches on for half a minute before saying something. </p><p>“Kara, I’ve never seen you like this before. I’m worried...please, just talk to me…” she gets up and moves to stand in front of Kara, taking her hands into her own as she speaks, gripping them tightly and looking into her eyes with as much care as she can muster. Kara looks down at their joined hands, taking in the visual before her and thinking of all the times she’s imagined Lena holding her hands just like this, in a different situation, of course, but still. When Kara looks back up, gulping and clenching her teeth, the earnest look in Lena’s eyes and the contact of their hands finally breaks her. Her eyes water as she looks at Lena pleadingly and squeezes her hands, both actions saying what she is failing to. Kara looks desperate and apologetic, but Lena can see something else… affection, surrounded by guilt. She feels confused at first, with recognition bubbling up just below it. </p><p>“Kara?” she asks in a cautious but incredulous voice. The woman in question looks meaningfully at Lena before closing her eyes and tilting her head to the ceiling, ashamed. </p><p><i>I can’t believe I’m doing this.</i> But the dam has already broken, and as she looks back down to Lena’s face, she can see the realization wash across it. She knows. </p><p>“Kara…” her tone becomes more warning now, practically begging for it not to be true (even though deep down it was what she always wanted, but <i>why now?</i>). Lena thought back to some of their interactions, the kiss first of course, because she took Kara’s reaction to mean she was not interested. And all the other times, the flirting, where Kara would just get quiet, or maybe crack a joke about it. But now she was standing here with this look in her eyes, begging and sorrowful, and it made Lena think of other things, little things that she’d missed that would’ve clued her in to Kara’s feelings. They’d never even talked about the kiss, or any of the flirting between them. The farthest they’d ever gotten was Lena telling Kara, “There are women I thought I would date.” And she saw the meaning in Lena’s eyes and the way she averted them from her own, looking unhappy about the sentence she had spoken. Kara’s reaction hadn’t been much better, releasing a heavy sigh and rubbing a hand on her forehead in what Lena now recognized as frustration and regret.</p><p>No. No no no no no. It can’t be. It can’t be. Lena’s thoughts started racing, going over the way Kara had been acting around her of late, like the way she had started lingering in their hugs or putting more pressure into them, or how she smiled when Lena smiled and laughed when Lena laughed, or how she got quiet and dim whenever James would come up. <i>Why didn’t she say anything?</i> She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t realize Kara was speaking again. </p><p>“...sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot…” Kara trails off and withers slightly at the look Lena gives her. Lena drops her hands, having just realized she was still holding them, and crosses her arms across her chest, tensing her jaw and staring at Kara with increasingly heated anger. </p><p>Kara’s still looking at her imploringly, silently begging for the acceptance Lena had assured her she’d get at confessing her feelings. Lena continues to stare at her angrily, but is struggling to control her emotions on the inside. This, Kara having feelings for her, is what she’s always wanted. In the beginning she’d thought Kara shared the same feelings, but then they kissed, and she didn’t do <i>anything</i>, she’d only made a face that Lena took to mean she was <i>definitely</i> not interested. So she’d pushed her feelings deep down inside and worked through the pain, alone. This was where the anger came in: Kara had her chance, and blew it, and now that Lena’s with someone else (one of Kara’s best friends, nonetheless), she says something? Understanding dawns on Lena as she realizes what Kara meant when she said “I have feelings for someone I can’t have feelings for” and “It’s my fault”. </p><p><i>Well, she’s right about that.</i> </p><p>“How long?” Lena asks abruptly. <i>As if it makes any difference.</i> But she has to know. Maybe there’s a moment she can pinpoint that would explain this.</p><p>“I-what? How long what?” Kara asks with a crinkled brow. </p><p>“How long have you had these ‘feelings’?” </p><p>Lena uses her fingers to make air quotes around the last word, and regrets it instantly at the hurt that flashes across Kara’s face. She barely resists apologizing or moving to comfort her, but the anger inside is currently too strong to get past. Kara knows she deserves worse, so much worse, but it still stings. It feels like Lena is diminishing her feelings, the strongest feelings she’s ever had for anyone, ever. She looks to the floor again, a habit she seems to be developing quickly, enveloped in shame and pain, before looking back to Lena cautiously. She can feel the raw emotion (mostly anger) radiating off of her, her eyes looking as intense and piercing as Kara has ever seen them. But beneath the anger, she sees a glimmer of something else. She’s not entirely sure what, but it gives her a strange sense of hope, and it’s enough to give her the courage to think <i>Screw it</i> and be completely honest. She takes a deep breath to steady herself before she responds.</p><p>“Always.”</p><p>Lena’s face contorts at the answer, multiple emotions crossing it as she processes what she’s just been told; the woman she’d always wanted, but was sure didn’t feel the same way, actually <i>did</i> feel the same way. The whole time. But she’s just now telling her this. Anger is still the most easily read emotion, but Kara can see immense pain just beneath it, a pain whose sources all lead right back to her. She can’t blame Lena for the anger; not only was she a complete coward who hid her feelings, she didn’t take any of the openings Lena had given to her, and now she’s finally said something when Lena is months into a seemingly serious relationship. She can also see fear in Lena’s eyes, and it baffles her. The anger and even the pain make sense, hell, she expected those. But fear? She doesn’t understand what Lena could possibly be afraid of. She racks her brain to find an answer, but comes up empty handed. Since she can’t explain it, she opts instead to apologize for it, and opens her mouth to do so, only to be cut off by Lena. </p><p>“Stop. Don’t,” she tells Kara in a low, menacing voice with a hand raised in her direction. Kara’s mouth snaps shut instantly. “I...I’m at a loss for words,” Lena says, retracting her hand and readjusting her folded arms. Her jaw is clenched tightly and her neck is taut with anger, but her furrowed brow and shiny green eyes are awash with pain and sadness. Kara feels her heart break when the tears start leaking from Lena’s eyes. </p><p>Lena is still having trouble processing everything that Kara’s said. Part of her is screaming on the inside, furiously and ecstatically all at once, while another part is trying to be rational, trying to convince herself that this is too good to be true, that there’s no possible way this situation could have any sort of good outcome. Yet another part of her is terrified; terrified because this was what she’d always wanted to hear, pretty much since she’d laid eyes on Kara, but she wrapped those feelings up tight and pushed them into the deepest, darkest place she could find in herself, because Kara didn’t feel the same way. Or she <i>thought</i> she didn’t. But she did. She does. <i>Always.</i> The way Kara said it with so much honesty and anguish at the same time resounded in her head. It scared her because of the truth she could hear in it, and see in Kara’s steel blue eyes, and all it took was that one little word for all those feelings to come rushing back to the surface and threaten to pull her under. It scared her, and it infuriated her. </p><p>“You’re right.”</p><p>Kara looks at Lena questioningly, and though there’s only a brief pause, it’s incredibly poignant. </p><p>“This <i>is</i> your fault.” The anger is taking over Lena now, and Kara can tell she’s about to get a well-deserved earful. “You had your chance, <i>multiple</i> chances, in fact, and you <i>fucking</i> blew it! I-I fucking <i>kissed</i> you, Kara!! You didn’t say or do anything about it! But now you say something?? WHY!?” she yelled, throwing her hands in the air in frustration. </p><p>Kara was a little startled by the outburst, but she stood there and took it willingly, staring at the floor again and shrinking into herself as she wrapped her arms around her own frame. She knew she deserved it, but still couldn’t help but tear up at being yelled at by someone she...well, someone she loves. When she makes eye contact with Lena again, she’s wearing an expectant look, and Kara realizes she’s waiting for an answer to her <i>Why!?</i> She struggles to respond, still afraid of saying it aloud. </p><p>“I...I didn’t have plans to do it tonight, or ever really...I just…” she goes quiet again as she rubs a hand on the back of her neck, the words struggling to get free, and it upsets Lena more, enough to make her shout loudly as she steps closer to Kara. </p><p>“YOU JUST <i>WHAT</i>, KARA!?” </p><p>“I can't help it! I’ve tried and tried not to love you, but I can’t stop!” Tears spill from Kara’s eyes as she yells back, though her volume is significantly decreased by her crying. She rubs her eyes and continues to cry while Lena is left to absorb what she’s just heard.</p><p>Lena is reeling. <i>She...she loves me.</i> She expected more avoidance, more vague words and muttered apologies, but not this. Hearing it said aloud momentarily eclipses the pain and anger, because she feels the same. She’d spent so many nights fighting these feelings, pushing them down and convincing herself to move on, and Kara was able to destroy all that hard, tedious work with one sentence. It feels like a long-out fire has been rekindled inside Lena, both scaring and amazing her as it threatens to consume her very being. It was instantaneous upon hearing the words from Kara, and it was everything. Everything she’d ever wanted or needed, everything she thought she never deserved. It completely scorched any semblance of romantic feeling she had for James, turning it to ash, and even though her feelings for him were gone (and perhaps never truly existed in the first place), some anger crept back in at the thought of him. She would’ve never started dating him if she’d known. But then again, she would’ve known if Kara hadn’t been such a <i>fucking coward. He doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this.</i> The anger builds to an overwhelming intensity, and Lena acts before she even realizes what she’s done. It feels strange, like she blacked out for a moment, but it’s easy for her to figure out what happened. Kara’s head is turned to the side, with her mouth agape in what looks to be surprise, her glasses crooked, and a small but growing pink spot on her cheek. Lena’s right hand is tingling and she realizes <i>oh god, I slapped her</i>. It almost surprised her more than it did Kara. </p><p>Kara watched Lena absorb what she said and saw the emotions flicker over her face, and though it was actually very quick, it felt like slow motion. At first, Lena’s jaw dropped as she gasped in shock, clearly not expecting Kara to have said <i>that</i>. It clamped back shut fairly quickly and her eyes began to shine. Kara saw the emotion in her eyes, the pain, the anger, the sadness, and she hated herself for it. But then the anger took over. She watched it wash out all the other emotions on Lena's face, turning her red and making her clench her hands into fists at her sides. </p><p>The next thing Kara knew, Lena raised a hand and smacked her right across the face. It wasn’t a particularly hard or violent slap, more of an emotional action than a physical one, but it still left a little sting on her cheek. Kara instinctively put a hand to her face in shock and turned back toward Lena, who was crying freely now and had moved a hand over her mouth as if she herself was shocked. Kara teared up, but gave her a look that said <i>I deserved that</i>. She knew Lena agreed with her, and expected her to yell more, slap her again, or just leave, but none of those things happened. Instead, Lena fisted her hands into Kara’s shirt, her knuckles turning white from the tightness of her grip, and pulled her closer, the fronts of their bodies just barely brushing together. Kara’s hands hovered mid-air, unsure about what was happening. Lena looked up at her with the biggest, saddest eyes she’d ever seen, and spoke in a voice tinged with a fear and desperation she’d never heard from the woman before. </p><p>“I need to hear you say it.” </p><p>Kara watched Lena’s lips form the words as she spoke, drinking in the subtle movements as they wrapped around each syllable, unable to help it because of their close proximity. She heard the words, but didn’t fully absorb them until she looked back into Lena’s eyes, seeing the deep need emanating there. It made her throw every fear, every doubt out the window, deciding then and there that she’d say it any time Lena asked her to, no matter the outcome of the current situation. Both of her hands reached up to Lena’s tear-streaked face, cupping her cheeks and wiping some of the tears away instinctually. She stared into her eyes as lovingly and truthfully as she could, enunciating every word carefully and meaningfully, making certain to put utmost sincerity in her voice. </p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Lena’s heart skipped more than a beat, and her breath was stolen from her. The love pouring out of Kara’s eyes finally broke down the last of her walls, and she simply gave in to it, unable to resist any longer. She surged forward and connected their lips, and it felt like <i>Finally</i>. It was relief and pain, anger and hope, all at once, and they clashed together inside her like a hurricane. It was all rapidly enveloped by love, the love she hadn’t allowed herself to feel or even acknowledge for months, the love she had assumed was one-sided, unrequited. The love that had been pushing and scraping at the surface since she’d heard Kara say “Always”, and she finally allowed herself to fall into it head first.</p><p>Tears were still streaming from her eyes as she continued to kiss Kara, who had shaken off her shock and started reciprocating. She’d never been kissed with so much passion, and she wanted to drown in it. Lena’s lips were soft and pliant, and her hands still grasped at Kara’s shirt and pulled their bodies closer together, as if she couldn’t bear to be apart from her any longer. While their first kiss all that time ago was more playful and subdued (and a little sloppy due to Lena being drunk), this kiss was raw and profoundly deep, and Kara felt it down to her bones. Its intensity made her dizzy with emotion, but she couldn’t stop. She’d never stop. She wound her hands around her waist and pressed their bodies even closer together as she savored the sensation of everything Lena. It felt like a dream. Kara thought her confession would make things awkward or cost her the friendship, but here she was, instead kissing Lena, like she was an addict and those red-painted lips were her own personal heroin.</p><p>There were a lot of intense emotions being felt by both women. Lena was still angry and hurt, though she continued kissing Kara like her life depended on it. There was more that needed to be said, possibly involving more yelling at the woman in her arms, but currently she couldn't do anything but give in. Kara herself was still shaky and surprised, and a little confused. She never expected Lena to kiss her again, at all, ever, let alone with such fondness and longing. The way her fingers grasped desperately at Kara's shirt was her biggest tell, and it made Kara realize that perhaps all hope was not lost. She let herself fall into the rhythm of their kiss, unwilling to be the one to stop it, unwilling to lose the transcendent feelings flowing within her.</p><p>Lena’s hands started moving, first removing Kara’s glasses and tossing them on the table with a clatter, then undoing the buttons of Kara’s flannel in a sort of frenzy, shaking at each one. She pushed it off Kara’s broad shoulders and let it fall to the floor where it was immediately forgotten. There's a tank top underneath, and Lena rids her of that quickly as well, leaving Kara in just her bra and sweatpants, nearly frantic with the need to feel her bare skin against her own. Kara squeezed her arms around Lena’s waist and slid her hands up underneath her shirt, dragging them up and down her back sensually. The feeling of her soft skin ignited the desire in Kara, as did the whimper Lena let out into their kiss. Thoughts were racing through her mind, things like <i>I can’t believe this is happening</i> and <i>God, she’s so soft</i>. But a thought comes crashing through the rest that makes Kara falter, her hands stilling on Lena’s back and her lips slowing. </p><p>
  <i>She’s still with James.</i>
</p><p>As if Lena can read her thoughts, she draws back to look at Kara with red, teary eyes that are practically begging her not to stop. Kara again brings her hands to her face and wipes the tears away when she sees that she’s still crying. Lena looks at her with such need that it’s physically palpable. </p><p>“Please,” she whispers out, staring up at Kara. </p><p>“Please, Kara. I need you.” </p><p>She grabs at her arms and squeezes, hoping she can feel how badly she needs this, how badly she needs to see and feel the depth of Kara’s love. Kara knows she should stop it, she knows they’ll both hate themselves in the morning, but now that she’s kissed Lena like this, she feels like it’s inevitable, and she wants to be selfish. She was already a goner at Lena’s first hushed out “Please” anyway, so she smothered the mass of guilt down, because Lena needs this, and she'd do <i>anything</i> for her. She’d be like a moth to the flame, drawn in by Lena’s magnificent light and destroyed by it in the same breath, if that’s what it took. She could see by the look in Lena’s eyes that she knew there would be consequences, but the need was overpowering that feeling too much to matter. Once Lena could see the acquiescence in Kara’s eyes, she pulled her forward by the nape of her neck and connected their foreheads. Kara looked up from Lena’s lips, having been expecting another kiss, to see her with her eyes closed and taking a deep breath. Though she’s a little perplexed, she just takes in the moment, closing her own eyes and breathing Lena in, relishing the feeling of being pressed against her. She feels Lena take another deep breath and tense slightly, causing a sliver of worry to snake its way into her heart, before she hears the words she, until a few minutes ago, was absolutely certain she’d never hear.</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p>A quiet gasp escaped Kara as her eyes flew open in disbelief, her heart thundering away in her chest with this new development. Lena must sense it, because she takes Kara’s face in her hands and caresses her flushed cheeks, not unlike Kara had done to her, and looks at her like no one’s ever looked at her before. There’s deep sincerity in her eyes, and total truth in her touch. “I love you, Kara,” she says again, carefully, so it leaves no room for doubt. Kara starts crying instantly, though these tears are more happy than sad, but kisses Lena again, grasping at her back and hugging her tightly. She finally feels complete, like the last year of flirting and what-ifs and heartache has suddenly been swept away and replaced by this moment, by this feeling: Love. </p><p>Their kisses turn feverish rapidly, both women completely enraptured by the other and in a state of awe that this is actually happening, that <i>she feels the same way</i>. Kara relieves Lena of her shirt this time, and begins kissing and biting down her neck as Lena grips her strong shoulders and arms, all concerns thrown completely out the window. She leaves mark after mark on Lena, ignoring the voice inside her that says it’s a bad idea. Lena’s whimpers aren’t helping the situation, either; all Kara wants is to draw more of these exquisite sounds from the alluring woman in her arms. Every touch lights Lena up from head to toe, igniting a deep-seated desire in her, something intense and all-consuming that she's never felt for anyone else. A desire that only Kara can quench, a desire that must be sated. <i>Now</i>.</p><p>Lena pulls Kara back to her lips, kissing her frantically as she begins to steer them back over to the couch. She pushes Kara’s shoulder lightly, an indication for her to sit down. She does, and as Lena stands before her, her mind begins to think traitorously again. </p><p><i>We shouldn’t do this…</i> But then Lena reaches behind her own back and removes her bra, flinging it to the side haphazardly. Kara’s mind is rendered silent, and blissfully so, as her jaw drops at Lena’s sheer beauty. The curves of her breasts and hips make Kara’s mouth water as she takes in the expanse of Lena’s creamy pale skin, now only covered by her shorts. She’s so caught up in staring that she doesn’t even register Lena’s movement until she’s climbed into her lap, straddling her legs and letting her weight settle into Kara. As Lena’s arms wind around Kara’s neck, Kara’s hands instinctively fly to her waist, squeezing first and then beginning to tenderly caress up and down, marveling at the softness of the goddess in her arms. Lena whimpers slightly and presses her hips down into Kara’s as she reconnects their lips fervently, arousal shooting through both women as their tongues tangle together. </p><p>Kara’s hands continue to rub up and down Lena’s sides for a few moments, but then they slide down, around to the curve of her ass, and start moving her back and forth in a grinding motion that does nothing to sate the desire, instead igniting it to near-catastrophic levels. Lena is whimpering and tangling her hands in Kara’s hair, desperation taking hold. Kara is meeting her bucking hips with small thrusts of her own, setting fire to both their centers. Lena keeps grinding, but grabs Kara’s hands and moves them to her breasts, eliciting a gasp from the blonde as they squeeze them together, her nipples stiff with desire. Another whimper of Lena’s is swallowed into their kiss, followed by a gasp as Kara begins to rub her thumbs over her nipples. She draws back from the kiss to watch her hands work over Lena, like she wants to commit the sight and feeling to memory in case she never gets to do this again. Lena uses the pause to reach around Kara and relieve her of her bra, but finds herself unable to pull back, as Kara has attached her mouth to her left nipple while her hand continues to play with the right. She sucks and swirls her tongue over the taut peak, sucking harder when Lena lets out a downright sinful moan. </p><p>Lena doesn’t know if it’s because it’s Kara, or just because Kara’s really <i>that</i> good, but she finds herself on the edge of orgasm almost embarrassingly quickly. It only fuels the fire, though, so she throws Kara's bra aside and grabs her mostly unoccupied hand, pulling it down to the waistband of her shorts and shoving it underneath impatiently. Somewhere in the back of her mind Kara registers the fact that Lena has no underwear on, while Lena bends her head down so her mouth is next to Kara’s ear. </p><p>“I need you to touch me,” she purrs out, unable to mask the pure desperation in her voice and sliding her hands up Kara’s arms to squeeze her solid muscles before tangling back in her golden hair. Kara instantly complies, running her fingers through Lena’s drenched folds, stunned by the fact that she did this to Lena, made her <i>soaked</i> like this. </p><p>“Oh my god,” Kara rasps, the awe in her voice easily heard as she draws back from Lena's chest. “Oh fuck, Lena.” </p><p>She’s panting almost as heavily as Lena is while she continues to explore her pussy, spreading the wetness around before moving up to her clit and starting to make circles around the bud. Lena cries out as Kara reattaches her mouth to her chest and winds her free arm around her back, lightly scratching her nails down the pale, soft skin. Lena reaches the edge in record time and tumbles over it quickly with a small whine, unable to hold back, her body tensing in Kara’s grip as her hips stutter with pleasure. When she opens her eyes, she is in awe of the way Kara is looking up at her, like the deepest secrets of the universe can be divined through her body, and it’s overwhelming in the best of ways.</p><p>Holding Lena and feeling her come apart was the single greatest thing Kara had ever experienced in her entire life, and she immediately wanted, no, <i>needed</i>, to see it again. And again and again. She still had guilty thoughts in the back of her head, but she allowed her desire to envelop and silence them entirely, becoming single-minded in her pursuit. Lena pulled Kara’s head towards her own and reconnected their lips lovingly, but still with just as much intensity. It was another profound kiss, and Kara wondered if kissing her would always feel like this, like seeing in color for the first time. Even in her astonishment, she was still touching Lena, circling her fingers slowly around her entrance, as if asking for permission. Lena quickly gave it to her. </p><p>“Yesssss,” she hissed as she ground herself forward and grasped again at Kara’s toned biceps, something she’d always had a weak spot for. One finger entered her, stroking her inner walls, and was quickly joined by a second, Lena’s wetness easily accommodating the digits. As soon as Kara started moving within her, Lena began letting out the most incredible sounds she'd ever heard. Surprised gasps and erotic moans, tiny whimpers and little shouts, all making Kara more frantic to pull orgasm after orgasm from her body. Lena’s hips continued to meet Kara’s thrusts as she wrapped her arms around her neck again, becoming nearly unhinged as she chased her release. The angle was slightly awkward, but Kara wouldn’t move even if the world around them began crumbling, concerned only with providing pleasure to the ethereal creature above her. A ripping sound caught her attention, and she pulled back to see Lena’s shorts starting to tear at the front where her hand had been straining the seam. She brought her other hand down and tore the shorts off completely, surprising even herself with the show of strength. It only served to make Lena wetter, the liquid nearly gushing out of her, covering Kara’s hand as her movements became more hurried, her walls pulsating around the long fingers inside her. </p><p>“Fuck, you’re so wet,” Kara husked out in a voice dripping with admiration and ravenous desire as she started using her thumb to rub Lena's clit. She moved her free hand back around to Lena’s ass, squeezing and helping her ride the fingers deep inside her. Lena began writhing in her lap, Kara’s filthy words tipping her towards the edge, something she never expected from the normally demure and bashful woman underneath her. As Lena got closer and closer to coming, Kara pulled back and began to watch her fingers sliding in and out of her, at first unable to tear her gaze away from the tantalizing sight before her. Her eyes then swept up Lena’s gorgeous body, taking in the subtle bounce of her breasts as she continued to thrust her hips forward, solely focused on the pleasure Kara was drawing out of her. </p><p>The way Kara was staring at her in astonishment tipped her over the edge again. She cried out her release, rather loudly, and kissed Kara as she came down, shaking and sweating from the exertion. Kara was wound up beyond belief, but all that mattered was that she got to keep touching Lena like this. She broke the kiss after a few more moments with a bite to Lena’s bottom lip, leaning back to stare into her brilliant green eyes, which seemed to mirror the ever-present desire in her own blue ones. </p><p>“I need to taste you.” </p><p>Lena’s heart rate skyrocketed, threatening to burst through her chest as she gaped in surprise at Kara. She suddenly found herself being shifted as Kara laid flat on her back, pulling on her thighs so she would straddle her face. She didn't even have time to protest (not that she wanted to), so she settled her knees on each side of Kara's head while Kara’s hands wrapped around her thighs and pulled her into her mouth.</p><p>Lena grasped the armrest of the couch and threw her head back, crying out at the first lick along her slit, mostly in disbelief at how good it felt even after two mind-blowing orgasms. Kara only saw it for a moment before her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she tasted Lena for what would hopefully be the first of many times. It was her new favorite taste, even her favorite food paling in comparison. She opened her eyes, unable to resist watching, and continued licking up and down in long strokes, determined to work Lena back up and send her over the edge again. </p><p>“Kara, <i>fuck</i>!” Lena yelled out, reaching a hand down to Kara’s hair, tangling in the blonde locks and pulling, guiding her as she ground herself onto her tongue. Her other hand moved to pinch and squeeze one of her own nipples, the visual of which made Kara even wetter.</p><p>Kara was truly enjoying herself, moaning lightly as she used her tongue to go back and forth over Lena’s clit before dipping down to her entrance and then back up, again and again until Lena was trembling with her need to come. She dipped her tongue inside Lena and brought a hand in to play with her clit, causing Lena to cry out again as she moved her hips with frantic energy. </p><p>“Oh god! Oh god! FUCK, <i>Kara!</i>” she shouted and moaned as Kara increased both the speed of her tongue and fingers, the fast strokes sending her through the roof. Her wanton cries echoed through the apartment, easily heard over the music still playing in the background. She brought her other hand down to Kara’s hair and shamelessly pulled her further into her cunt, groaning unabashedly as her explosive orgasm overtook her and she came into Kara's mouth. Her hips slowed and her thighs shook as Kara continued to diligently lap up every drop she could with gentle licks to Lena’s saturated center. </p><p>Lena exhaled heavily, both from the exertion and the pleasure, and shifted herself to lay flush on top of Kara, licking into her mouth and tasting herself there in the most erotic kiss of her life. Kara’s hands were still everywhere, caressing every inch of pristine pale skin that she could as she spread her legs for Lena to settle her weight between. It didn't take long for them to start grinding against each other, their breath coming faster as their movements did the same. Lena reached down and pulled at Kara’s pants and underwear, helping her kick them off before pulling one of her legs around her back, using the new position to grind into her harder. The pressure makes Kara groan and throw her head back, giving Lena the perfect opportunity to assault her neck with kisses and bites that leave red and purple marks on her otherwise perfectly tanned skin. </p><p>Kara started making little whining noises as she thrusted her hips up to meet Lena’s own and dragged her nails down her back. </p><p>“Lena, Lena, oh fuck, Lena! Mmmph-you feel <i>so</i> good,” she exclaimed before pulling her back up to kiss her again. She could spend the rest of her life like this, underneath Lena and falling apart at her touch, kissing her like she was oxygen. She felt her release approaching quickly and became more vigorous with her movements, feeling Lena eagerly doing the same. She kissed down Kara’s jaw and neck again, this time making her way to her perky breasts, first teasing the underside of one, then the other, as she left more hickeys in her wake. When she finally swathes her tongue over a nipple and then engulfs it into her mouth, Kara tenses beneath her, back arching and hands reaching around to Lena's ass to press her further into herself. Lena understands the reverence Kara looked at her with when she made her come; it’s every good feeling in the world manifested into physical being before her very eyes. Without even thinking about it she begins to move down Kara’s body, trailing open mouth kisses to her tantalizing abs, where she spends an inordinate amount of time admiring their contours with her lips and tongue. Kara squirms beneath her, whimpering quietly in both reverence and arousal as she feels Lena’s mouth work over her. No one’s ever touched her like this; she can feel Lena’s devout passion in every kiss, in every swipe of her tongue or nip of her teeth as she moves further down her tense body. It feels like an out-of-body experience for her, like she’s dreaming, and she almost believes she is until Lena licks her center for the first time. The magnetizing feeling mesmerizes her and she lifts herself onto her elbows to watch. Her dumbfounded stare is met with blown out green eyes, and she gasps as Lena tastes her again, and again, increasing the pressure until Kara flops onto her back once more, unable to hold herself up on her shaking arms. Lena wraps an arm over Kara’s pelvis and uses the other to grasp one of her hands, interlacing their fingers in a tender gesture that spreads warmth through both their chests. She continues to sweep her tongue all around Kara, relishing every inch of skin and every sound she draws out of her. </p><p>Kara feels every pass of Lena’s tongue radiate outward, racing through her like uncontained electricity as she focuses her attention on her throbbing clit. She makes a guttural sound as Lena continues, and lifts herself up again to watch, this time curling the fingers of her free hand into Lena’s dark hair and encouraging her movements. Lena groans at the contact, increasing the speed of her tongue as she lets Kara control the movement of her head. </p><p>“God, Lena! That feels so good-ah!” she chokes out, unable to control the needy sound that escapes her as Lena detaches their hands to put a finger inside her, curling and probing like she’s searching for something. She finds the spot she’s looking for when she inserts a second finger, curling them upwards and drawing an almost animalistic sound from Kara. </p><p>“FUCK! Right there! Oh my god, oh my god!” Kara is beside herself with desire as she starts screaming and clamping a hand on the back of the couch, her skin strained over her knuckles from the tightness of the grip. Her vision flashes white briefly as she comes, and it takes her a solid few minutes to come back down, vaguely registering the gentle kisses Lena is lavishing along her thighs in the back of her mind. When she does, she comes to the realization she’s squirted for the first time in her life. She can feel the wetness on Lena’s face as she continues to kiss and suck the skin of her muscled legs. She rubs Lena’s shoulders before moving her hands to her head and directing her vision back up at her. </p><p>“C’mere,” she says in a low voice, lightly tugging on Lena’s neck. Lena pushes herself up and moves back up to kiss Kara yet again, once more settling her weight on top of her when she reaches her destination. Their kisses are unhurried now, though they’re panting still, both women completely immersed in their post-orgasm bliss.</p><p>Lena draws back to catch her breath and buries her face in Kara’s neck. Kara’s arms wrap around her and squeeze gently before a hand starts running through her hair and the other starts tracing little shapes over her smooth skin. It’s soothing and leaves a tingly feeling all across her back. She sighs contentedly and places a small kiss to Kara’s neck. Her muscles twitch at the contact, so of course Lena does it again, this time getting a small “Mmm,” from Kara. The kisses soon become open mouthed, Lena finding herself unable to resist marking Kara again. The woman under Lena exhales and pulls her face from her neck, making meaningful eye contact as she speaks. </p><p>“I love you,” she says without preamble or stutter, with complete confidence and honesty, and a sort of desperation like she needs to be sure Lena knows it. Both their eyes tear up, and before either one knows it, they’re once again locked in a fluid kiss, their tongues gliding slowly against each other, their desire for one another easily reignited. Lena puts a hand on Kara’s cheek and pauses to speak, with Kara making a small sound of protest as she draws back, though their lips are still lightly brushing together. </p><p>“I love you...I love you,” she tells her before she resumes the kiss. Kara’s hips start to twitch as they continue kissing, but before things get too heated, again, Lena draws back and speaks once more. “Take me to bed.” The words stun Kara momentarily, her brain stuck on imagining Lena thrashing about on her bed, between her sheets, consumed by her desire and Kara’s mouth and hands. She sits them up and draws Lena’s legs to wrap around her back. Her hands grip the underside of Lena’s milky thighs as she hoists them off the couch, carrying her with ease. Lena inhales sharply at the show of strength, and can’t help but rub herself on Kara’s rock-hard stomach. Kara groans and sucks on Lena’s neck as she walks around the makeshift divider she uses to separate her bed from the rest of her apartment.</p><p>They make it over to the bed, Kara setting Lena on it gently, only for the woman to surge up and connect their lips, pulling Kara down and maneuvering her to lay on her back. She swung her legs over Kara, bracketing her hips, and immediately started grinding their naked bodies together, Kara’s abdominal muscles providing the perfect surface to work herself up on and simultaneously put on a little show. Kara grabbed Lena’s hips and watched with a dumbfounded look as she gyrated on top of her, completely spellbound by the sultry movements of Lena’s body. She couldn’t decide where to look, her eyes darting all across Lena as she moved fluidly above her. Upon making eye contact, Lena gave her a filthy look and reached down to touch her own clit. Kara gasped and bucked her hips into Lena’s, feeling herself get wetter as Lena showed off for her. Lena briefly put two fingers inside herself and withdrew them, trailing them up Kara’s stomach and chest, all the way to her chin and then her lips, which were opened quickly to accept the glistening digits. Kara grabbed Lena’s wrist and dragged her tongue along the length of her fingers before completely sucking them in, rolling her eyes again at the taste.</p><p>Lena watches as Kara sucks her fingers, her blonde hair bouncing slightly as she moved back and forth, moaning shamelessly. Lena briefly wonders if the fire she feels inside, the primal need for Kara to keep touching her, will ever diminish. But then Kara is releasing her fingers and pulling on her thighs, making her straddle her face once again, pushing those feelings to the back of Lena’s mind. She complies without a second thought, already loving the feeling of Kara’s tongue all over her, inside her. Kara is staring at Lena’s center like it’s a five course meal and she’s intending on having two helpings of everything, and she dives in as soon as Lena’s in position. She makes Lena come twice, loudly, vaguely realizing her neighbors have probably heard them at this point, but those thoughts are silenced instantly when Lena climbs down to kiss her and begins to rub her clit. Kara cries out at the contact, already almost excessively worked up from eating Lena out, grasping Lena’s shoulders as they continue to make each other fall apart. </p><p>Eventually, after hours of exertion, of exploring each other and professing their love, they roll underneath Kara’s sheets still wrapped up in each other, their legs tangled and their fronts pressed together, needing as much skin-to-skin contact as possible. Lena buries her face in Kara’s neck again and sighs, feeling more relaxed than she ever has...which is when it threatens to come crashing down. Kara draws breath to speak, and Lena can feel the tension flooding her body, so she lifts her head and puts a finger to Kara’s lips in a shushing motion. </p><p>“Shhh...tomorrow, okay? Please?” She moves to caress Kara’s cheek as she speaks, and Kara simply nods and exhales, kissing Lena’s forehead before settling in.</p><p>“I love you.” Lena smiles softly and returns the sentiment with a gentle kiss to Kara’s neck. The silence of the apartment means Kara can hear Lena’s breathing as it slows into a sleepy rhythm, and the soothing sound combined with the comforting weight of Lena layed on top of her starts to pull her under, as well. In the back of her barely conscious mind she registers the silence as strange, but sleep takes her before she can make anything of it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, so maybe it was more than *a little* smut. ;)</p><p>"They just professed their love, and now they have to bang...a lot." -actual quote to a friend which honestly fits so well.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kara and Lena wake to something unexpected, and begin to see the consequences of the previous night.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Back on the angst train!! Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lena wakes slowly, content in a way she’s never been before. She’s warm, and indescribably happy, wrapped up in Kara’s strong arms with their legs twined together, surrounded by her scent. There are other feelings, like guilt and fear, even anger, in the back of her mind, but she intentionally ignores them in favor of basking in the new development of her relationship with Kara. She sleepily nuzzles Kara’s neck, and sighs at feeling her subconsciously tighten her hold. She’s still half asleep when she registers a small sound in the apartment, but still too groggy to make anything out of it, and too comfortable to care. She just pressed herself deeper into Kara, sighing and falling back into a light sleep. </p>
<p>What neither woman knew was that Winn and James had just arrived for brunch, letting themselves in like usual, and then going silent at the <i>un</i>usual quiet in Kara’s apartment. Normally, she’d have already started the bacon (since it took longer to cook than everything else), and she’d have the table set, music playing, and would be eagerly waiting to greet her friends. Winn and James exchanged confused looks before glancing around again. Winn looked in the direction of Kara’s bed, and back at his friend. </p>
<p>“Is she still sleeping? Where’s Lena?” he asked quietly. James shrugged distractedly and moved towards the sofa, his attention drawn to a familiar looking piece of clothing on the floor, while Winn went in the direction of Kara’s room. As he got closer to rounding the divider into the bedroom, he tentatively called out, “Kara?” </p>
<p>Lena woke again, this time knowing she had heard <i>something</i>, and looked to Kara, who had also awoken, and was looking back at her with clear blue eyes, wide with fear. But by the time it registered, it was too late. Winn walked into the bedroom and froze right inside.</p>
<p>“Oh my…” Winn trails off softly, shocked but also thinking <i>About time!</i> to himself, before he hears James behind him and tries to stop him. “No, James, wait,” he tries as Lena and Kara shoot up in bed, clutching the sheets to their chests, still close together. </p>
<p>James walks in looking confused, holding Lena’s Guns ‘N Roses t-shirt in one hand, and Kara’s tank top in the other. He looks up from the clothes in his hands to the scene in front of him. His girlfriend is naked and tangled up in bed with his also naked best friend, their hair wild and both their necks littered with little marks. Shock is the only thing he can feel at first, his brain struggling to process what he was seeing. Kara glanced to her bedside clock and put her head in her hands when she realized what time it was, distantly wondering why her phone alarm hadn't gone off. Winn silently backed out of the room, knowing this should be a private moment, or as private as it can be when Kara’s bedroom isn’t <i>really</i> a bedroom. </p>
<p>James looked at Lena, pain joining the confusion that had bloomed on his face. “Lena?” </p>
<p>Her green eyes watered slightly as she looked at him remorsefully. “James...I…” She didn’t get a chance to finish, anger taking over inside her now assumedly ex-boyfriend. </p>
<p>“What the hell is this?!” he threw the clothing onto the bed in front of them and gestured at them with his hands, the fury and hurt in his voice competing to be the most prevalent. Kara finally spoke up. </p>
<p>“Don’t be mad at her, this is all my fault...I...I’m so sorry, James. I-” James put his head in his hands and groaned angrily, effectively silencing Kara. He looked back up, and couldn’t help but notice neither woman was moving away from the other. He wanted it to be because of the shock, he wanted this to be just a drunken night between two friends who were just having a little platonic fun, but he could see it all over their faces; it was more than that. </p>
<p>“I don’t understand. How did this happen?” He spoke more softly now, with tears in his eyes and a resigned voice. Lena looked at him sympathetically and he couldn’t stand it. Thankfully, Kara drew his attention by speaking again. </p>
<p>“It’s my fault...I’ve always...had feelings for her, and I was just too much of a coward to do anything about it...and then last night I guess it hurt too much and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I told her the truth…” she pauses, closes her eyes, and draws a deep breath. “I’m in love with her. I-” James held up a hand to stop her and looked back to Lena. </p>
<p>“And you feel the same way?” Kara looked down and started fiddling with the sheet while Lena tried to speak. </p>
<p>“James-” </p>
<p>“DO YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY??” he speaks over her, his need for an answer consuming him. </p>
<p>Lena averts her eyes with a small nod, and says in an even smaller voice, “I do.” </p>
<p>James puts a hand over his mouth as he exhales, closing his eyes in frustration. Shaking his head, he moves his hands to his hips. “Why did you say you loved me?” he asked Lena. </p>
<p>“I did- I do, it’s just…” </p>
<p>He scoffs, “Just the old 'you love me but you’re not in love with me'?” Lena can’t help but wince at the simplicity of the cliche, but true, statement, considering the complicated situation she’s currently in. James rubs his hands over his face before he speaks again. </p>
<p>“You couldn’t have broken up with me first?” </p>
<p>“I’m sorry...this just happened last night, I promise you it’s the only time...I-I wasn’t expecting it…” Lena trailed off again, seeming defeated. </p>
<p>“You could have said no! You could have waited!! YOU DON’T THINK I DESERVED AT LEAST THAT?!” he reverted back to yelling, the emotions inside pulling him back and forth between sadness and anger like a dangerous riptide. </p>
<p>Kara spoke again, pleading with James, “This is my fault. If I had said something earlier this wouldn’t have happened. I’m so sorry James. I-” </p>
<p>“JUST STOP, KARA! THIS WHOLE TIME, YOU’VE BEEN <i>IN LOVE</i> WITH <i>MY</i> GIRLFRIEND, AND NOT ONLY DO YOU KEEP IT FROM ME, <i>THIS</i> IS HOW YOU HANDLE IT?! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY <i>BEST FRIEND</i>!!!” </p>
<p>James was clearly furious, and loud, and rightfully so. Both women knew he deserved better, and that they shouldn’t have indulged themselves last night, but after everything that had been said, after everything was finally revealed and out in the open, it was inevitable, irresistible. There was no stopping at that point, even though they knew it was wrong, so now they sat and took everything James had to say, feeling deserving of punishment. Kara was taking it especially hard, knowing it was in large due to faults of her own that they were in this situation to begin with. She was trying to hold back her tears, because although it pained her to know she hurt her friend, she also felt like she didn’t have any right to cry. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, a couple tears escaping anyway, despite her best efforts. “I should’ve done it differently, I should’ve...I never meant for it to be like this-” </p>
<p>James cut her off again, “You know what, Kara? Just don't. It doesn't matter either way, right? You both feel the same, so...I guess that's it,” he paused with a shrug and a humorless chuckle, looking between them momentarily before looking at Lena. “You're gonna be with <i>her</i> now, right?” he asked, putting an emphasis of disgust on the word “her”, gesturing one hand towards Kara and leaving the other braced on his hip. Lena raised her eyes to meet James, having been unable to really look at him because of the guilt she felt. </p>
<p>“I-” she hesitated briefly (and missed the also brief panic that flashed across Kara's face at said hesitation), until she saw the fire in James eyes that told her to just say it, just rip the bandaid off. </p>
<p>“Yes. I'm so, so sorry James...I didn't think she felt the same way...I never wanted it to happen like this, I never wanted to hurt you,” she tried to convey her remorse as sincerely as possible, because she did mean it, but it was no use. </p>
<p>“It's a little late for that, don't you think? God. I didn't think either of you were capable of something like this.” Both women hung their heads in shame. Kara opened her mouth to speak and probably apologize again, but James had reached his breaking point. He waved his hands through the air, stopping any possible words that might make it out of Kara. “Stop. I'm <i>done</i>. You can both go to hell,” he said, with more contempt in his voice than either woman had ever heard, and walked out of the room to leave the apartment. </p>
<p>It surprised and downright terrified Kara; it sounded very unlike the James she'd come to know, and very much like their friendship was over. She put her head in her hands and exhaled shakily. Lena was still sitting next to her, staring blankly at the place James had just been standing. They both flinched at the sound of the door slamming, causing their tears to slowly start leaking out, but still didn't speak. It didn't feel real, or maybe they didn't want it to be. Everything had been so perfect and amazing for a few hours, until it all came crashing down in a cloud of dust and debris like a building demolition. It was extremely emotionally taxing, and they merely sat in silence for a few minutes, absorbing the abrupt turns their lives had taken since last night.</p>
<p>------------</p>
<p>Winn had backed away from the drama, turning to just leave or maybe wait outside when he heard voices on the other side of Kara's door. He quietly opened it and slipped out, grateful that he caught the others before they walked in on a <i>very</i> awkward and private situation. He carefully closed the door behind him, avoiding making any noise and receiving befuddled looks off of Maggie, Alex, and Lucy. He leaned against the door like everything inside would burst out, which confused the others even further. </p>
<p>“Um, hey guys...we, uhh, we might have to cancel brunch…” </p>
<p>“What?! Why?!” Alex asked suspiciously as Maggie and Lucy exchanged perplexed looks. </p>
<p>“Ummm...I really don't think it's my place to tell you...it's probably, like, super private, and not my business, let alone-” he cut his own words off at the look he was getting from Alex. She stepped forward slowly, making him press fearfully into the door until he couldn't move. Alex simply continued to look at him threateningly, feeling pleased inside at the little man squirming in front of her, but keeping her face a stoic, deadly mask. </p>
<p>“I-I can't tell you…” Alex got closer and squinted at him, silently asking <i>Are you sure?</i> as she continued to make him fidget. “Okay, okay fine! But only you!! I'm not telling anyone else.” </p>
<p>“Fine. Let's go over there, and you better tell me <i>everything</i>,” she poked him in the chest for emphasis as she spoke, delighting internally at his flinch. </p>
<p>“Guys, seriously though, just...don't go in there…” he told Maggie and Lucy as they glanced at the door, clearly debating whether it would actually be a big deal if they went in anyways. </p>
<p>“Alright, come on,” Alex said as she grabbed Winn’s arm, dragging him down the hall and out of earshot of the others. They came to a stop and she released him, rolling her eyes at his wince. He rubbed his arm and opened his mouth to whine, but at another threatening look from Alex, gulped and instead started to tell her what happened when he and James had arrived. Maggie and Lucy whispered amongst themselves as they watched Winn gesture wildly as he told Alex what happened.  </p>
<p>“What do you think’s going on?” Lucy asked. </p>
<p>“I dunno...I mean, we all know Winn’s a bit dramatic, but…” Maggie trailed off when she saw her girlfriend's jaw drop. It was practically unhinged. </p>
<p>“Oh my god!” Alex quietly exclaimed and brought a hand to cover her mouth in what was obvious disbelief. </p>
<p>“I think it's pretty serious,” Maggie whispered to Lucy, who nodded at her with widened eyes. </p>
<p>All four of them were startled as they heard yelling from inside Kara's apartment. They could all tell it was James, but the shock of it prevented them from actually absorbing his words. </p>
<p>“Was that James? What's going on?” Lucy asked, clearly concerned. Alex put a hand to her forehead and looked at Winn, for once completely unsure of what to do. Winn simply shrugged and turned around to walk back to the others, so Alex followed. </p>
<p>“I guess...I mean, I think we should just go guys!” Winn said as he approached, raising his voice slightly towards the end to try to mask another outburst from James. Lucy crossed her arms with a pointed look and stood her ground. </p>
<p>“Guys, what is happening?” she said, determined to get an answer. She got one, but not from Alex or Winn. James yelled again, and all four could hear every word, clear as day. </p>
<p>“JUST STOP, KARA! THIS WHOLE TIME, YOU’VE BEEN <i>IN LOVE</i> WITH <i>MY</i> GIRLFRIEND, AND NOT ONLY DO YOU KEEP IT FROM ME, <i>THIS</i> IS HOW YOU HANDLE IT?! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY <i>BEST FRIEND</i>!!”</p>
<p>Four pairs of eyes widened simultaneously, each person holding their breath without realizing it as they looked at each other. None of them spoke for a few moments, simply floored at what they heard, and what it meant. Alex looked at Maggie and saw the knowing look in her eyes. She knew Lena was also inside, and gave Alex a <i>what a mess</i> sort of look. </p>
<p>Lucy was the first to speak, “Kara is in love with…woah. Wait...is...is Lena in...? Did they…” she stopped and put a hand to her mouth in her surprise. They all just stared at each other for a minute, which allowed them to hear someone stomping through Kara's apartment. All four of them instinctively took a few steps back from the door, which flew open almost immediately after they moved away. James came barreling out, slamming the door behind him with such force it felt like the hallway shook. He didn't stop, just hurried past everyone with a pained expression and teary eyes, making sure not to make eye contact with any of them. Lucy ran after him and joined him in the elevator, leaving Maggie, Alex, and Winn in front of Kara's door.</p>
<p>Alex and Maggie exchanged looks, brief but seemingly meaningful, because the next thing he knew, Winn was being led by Maggie to the stairwell. “Let's go get a drink,” she told him, making sure he knew it wasn't a suggestion. He nodded and opened the door for Maggie, letting her lead the way. Alex watched them go and then turned towards Kara's door, taking a few moments to herself to try to comprehend everything that had just happened. She knew Kara had feelings for Lena, and both she and Maggie had been certain Lena had felt the same, but things had gotten so off-track somehow. But if she was right, they had <i>finally</i> confessed their feelings and come together, in what was probably one of the best nights of their lives...and now...well. Alex echoes Maggie’s earlier sentiment in her head. <i>What a mess.</i></p>
<p>Back inside, Lena had finally broken down and began sobbing into her hands. Kara put a hand on her shoulder gingerly, unsure if being touched would be something Lena would want right now. <i>Especially from the person who’s responsible for this whole mess,</i> she thinks to herself. She knows deep down that cheating is wrong, but Lena would never have had to if Kara had just been honest, so in her mind the fault is entirely hers. She rubs a small circle on Lena’s shoulder and squeezes gently, still just lightly touching her, when Lena turns and looks at Kara with the most forlorn look she’s ever seen. It broke her heart to see Lena in such pain, those bright green eyes she loved so much tinged red and shimmering with tears. </p>
<p>“Kara…” Lena whimpered out, her breath hitching and shuddering, as she gave her a pleading look. Kara could see the pain in her eyes, the self-hatred for what she’d done to James. She enveloped her into her arms immediately, stroking her hair and back soothingly as she fell apart. Lena was heaving breaths between sobs, quickly losing herself to the pain. She was ashamed of herself, of her actions. Surely, she could have waited, could have at least called James or gone to see him first. </p>
<p>
  <i>God, I’m so selfish. Guess the Luthor genes are shining through after all.</i>
</p>
<p>She was beginning to hate herself for what she’d done, and couldn’t help but try to speak it aloud. “I-I c-can’t believe I-,” she started to say, her words catching on her sobs. Kara drew her head back as she shushed Lena and lifted her chin. She moved her hand to her cheek lovingly and sadly all at once when she looked up. </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry Lena…” She wanted to say more, to tell Lena it wasn’t her fault, but she knows now isn’t the time. Lena just needs to let everything out. Kara continued to hold her and rub her back comfortingly, but froze at a knock from the door. Lena stiffened and looked up at Kara with a furrowed brow. Kara was clearly debating answering, but another knock sounded and they heard the door creak open.</p>
<p>“Kara? It’s me…” Alex called out. “Just me,” she hurried to elaborate, knowing Kara wouldn’t want to come out if she thought the whole gang was there. Kara exchanged a glance with Lena, who withdrew herself and laid down, curling up under the sheets. </p>
<p>“Go ahead,” she told Kara, knowing she’d need her sister for at least a few minutes. </p>
<p>“Uh, just a sec, Alex! Are you sure?” Kara asked as she brushed a stray lock of raven hair behind Lena’s ear. Lena could see the worry on her face, so she sat up and gave Kara a quick but emotional kiss. </p>
<p>“I’ll be waiting right here,” she told her after laying back down. Kara gave her a small smile and got out of bed. She grabbed a tshirt and a pair of shorts, quickly pulling them on and moving to leave her bedroom area. She stopped when she saw herself in the long mirror next to her clothing rack. Her eyes widened at the numerous hickeys on her neck and the wild lion’s mane of hair she was sporting. After frantically trying to smooth her hair out with her fingers, she shrugs and just goes with it. <i>Pretty sure everyone knows anyways.</i></p>
<p>Kara enters the living room and true to her word, Alex is standing by the door, alone, looking concerned. The second they make eye contact she moves to Kara and wraps her up in a hug. She feels Kara shudder and hears a small sob escape her. They just stand there for a few minutes, a big sister comforting her little sister. Eventually, Kara sniffles loudly and pulls back from Alex, wiping her eyes as she smiles weakly. </p>
<p>“Are you gonna be okay?” Alex asks as she tenderly grasps Kara’s shoulders. Another shaky exhale escapes Kara as she looks back towards her bedroom. Alex can imagine the look she has on her face, the remnants of it are still visible when she turns back. It’s love. </p>
<p>“I think so,” Kara seems slightly unsure even as she says it, like she’s trying to convince herself as well. But then she thinks of Lena and knows as long as she has her, she’ll be okay. Alex just looks at her kindly and hugs her again. </p>
<p>“Call me if you need anything,” she tells her. </p>
<p>“Thanks, Alex,” Kara gratefully replies as Alex lets herself out. Even though it goes unsaid, Kara knows Alex made sure everyone else knew brunch wasn’t happening. She had a nagging feeling that they all knew a little bit more than that, though. She pushed it to the back of her mind, however, because there were more pressing issues at hand. Lena was here, naked in her bed after confessing feelings that lead to a wild night of amazing, passionate love making that Kara knew she would never forget as long as she lived, and then they awoke only to be discovered by Winn and James. And she had known it would come with a price, that Lena would break up with James and it could possibly cause rifts amongst them and in the rest of the group, but she didn’t expect it to happen <i>this</i> way. </p>
<p>
  <i>I deserve it. Lena doesn’t, though.</i>
</p>
<p>She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, stopping when she spotted her phone still sitting on the table. She picked it up angrily, wondering why her alarm hadn’t gone off. She was so ready to be able to blame something else for this whole mess as she mashed the button on the front to wake the screen, but it never lit up. It turns out the battery had died, and she realized she had left music on throughout most of the night, having been thoroughly distracted by Lena, which explained her uneasy feeling about her too-quiet apartment before she fell asleep. They had been so wrapped up in each other that neither of them noticed when the music stopped. </p>
<p>
  <i>Just another thing that's my fault. Great.</i>
</p>
<p>She went back to her bedroom and plugged her phone in, mumbling “Stupid phone died,” to Lena as she watched from her spot in Kara's bed. Lena just continued to look at her with her big, sad green eyes, waiting patiently for Kara to crawl back into bed. As Kara did just that, she tried to make sure to give Lena space in case she needed it, but instead the woman curled into her, gripping onto her like a koala and burying her face in her neck. Kara wasted no time, instantly wrapping her arms around Lena as they both began to cry again. It was cathartic for both of them, being able to hold each other and let it all out, but Kara knew more was coming, that the storm wasn’t over yet. She knew they had to talk about everything, she had some explaining to do, and Lena surely had more things she needed to say to Kara. But for now, both accepted the other’s comforting embrace, and continued to cry together. Kara didn't realize she was drifting off, the emotional morning taking its toll on her. She fell into a restless sleep, tossing and turning while her brain replayed the incident with James over and over.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For the record, we don't condone cheating. It's messed up and incredibly hurtful, and yo, it's 2020! If you don't wanna be monogamous, then don't! But don't mislead someone into thinking you're exclusive with them if you're not.</p>
<p>So why is cheating in here? I did it for the fictional angst!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The aftermath. More angst, but it's a happy ending! With a smidge of smut (I mean it this time, it's small lol)! And an epilogue that hopefully isn't terrible!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we are, we've reached the last chapter! Thanks to all who have read and commented and given kudos! And my sincerest apologies for it taking forever! Got called back to work a couple weeks ago so my time has been short! I hope you liked it and will come back for other fics!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kara woke with a start, her forehead sweaty and her breath rapid. She exhaled and pinched the bridge of her nose as she realized she had been dreaming about the morning’s events with James. The dream quickly began to be lost to her subconscious, but there had been a lot of yelling, and someone had physically pushed her, which seemed to be what woke her up. She turned onto her side and realized Lena was no longer in her bed. A quiet sniffle sounded from her living room, quelling some of the anxiety inside that Lena had changed her mind and left. </p>
<p><i>She might still,</i> she thought to herself. Her previously silenced self-deprecation came back with a screaming vengeance; she didn’t deserve Lena, not after all this. Everything about this situation was her fault, and she was afraid Lena would be unable to forgive her. Her hands came up to her face and covered it in frustration and fear, tears rushing to her eyes. She felt better for having finally confessed her feelings, but terrified at the implications it would have. She assumed her friendship with James was over, and though it hurt immensely, she knew she’d willingly go without it if it meant she had Lena. The depth of love she felt for this woman was staggering, forcing her to lie still and simply feel it for a few minutes before she ventured into the other room.</p>
<p>Lena looked up from her place on Kara’s couch as she heard the shuffling of feet coming towards her. Kara was looking back at her, her face showcasing many different emotions; fear and apprehension, love and care, but mainly sorrow. She knew Kara felt bad about everything, as she should, but she also knew she loved her, more than anyone else she had ever loved, and that they would get through this. It wouldn’t be easy, but they would. They had to; she didn’t think she could bear being without her any longer. </p>
<p>“Can I sit?” Kara asked quietly, clearly afraid Lena would say no. Lena simply gestured to the couch in indication, which Kara accepted quickly, but she still made sure to keep some distance between them. Lena had pulled her shirt back on and borrowed a pair of Kara's shorts, but didn’t look like she was leaving, which gave Kara great relief. She could tell she had a lot on her mind, a lot she needed to say, and as badly as she wanted to bask in her love, she knew they had to talk first. Lena wrapped her arms around herself and looked to the floor. Kara could see the hurt on her face, could practically feel it flowing off of her in waves, and the urge to hold her became even harder to resist. The only thing keeping her from doing so was the knowledge that it wasn’t what Lena wanted right now. </p>
<p>“I don’t even know where to start,” Lena said softly without looking at Kara. </p>
<p>“Let me then,” Kara said. She took a deep breath as Lena looked over at her, preparing herself for the difficult talk that lay ahead, hoping with every fiber of her being that it would end with Lena in her arms for good. “I am so sorry, Lena. I know that doesn’t make anything better, but…I need you to know I didn’t want things to go this way. I never wanted to hurt anyone, least of all you. But I did, and I can’t even find the words to convey how beyond sorry I am.” Lena stared at her blankly for a moment, but spoke when Kara opened her mouth to continue.</p>
<p>“You said 'Always'. If you always felt this way, why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you do anything?” Kara sighed and rested her head on the back of the couch. </p>
<p>“Because I thought…” another sigh. “I thought I didn’t deserve you, I thought there was no way you were actually interested. And please,” she rushed to say as she picked her head back up, as it looked like Lena was opening her mouth to speak some sort of protest, “please know that I’m not putting any blame on you. This is all me. Nothing you did caused this. I just, I’ve always struggled with self esteem, I’ve always had this little voice inside telling me how unworthy I am of...everything. And it was louder when it came to you. I somehow convinced myself that you weren’t interested, although deep down, I think I knew the truth,” she finished, and Lena still just stared at her. She could see emotions fighting against one another in Lena’s eyes. </p>
<p>“Is that all?” she asked Kara, small tendrils of anger creeping into her voice. </p>
<p>“No, not even close. I was scared, Lena. I was so scared. I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. It’s so deep, so...meaningful, and the fear of rejection and losing you altogether took over. I...I couldn’t imagine my life without you, and by the time I accepted my feelings and realized I’d had a chance, you were...with James. You seemed happy, and I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I just wanted you to be happy, even if it meant you were only my friend. I know I screwed up so bad. I should’ve…” she exhaled heavily before continuing. “...that kiss, god, I should’ve done something after the kiss, but I couldn’t stop berating myself about it, and just…<i>hating</i> myself for...everything...” Lena sighed and took one of Kara’s hands in her own, rubbing it comfortingly. </p>
<p>“I didn’t know you struggled with that so much. Kara, you’re such a wonderful person, I wish you knew how wonderful, and you deserve happiness as much as anyone else. More than anyone else, even. God help me, I’m still upset, but I love you so much it almost doesn’t matter,” she said as she looked into Kara’s increasingly tear-filled eyes. Kara put the back of her free hand to her mouth as she released a little heartbreaking sob. Lena couldn’t resist at that point, tugging on Kara’s hand until she fell into her arms, both women crying softly. </p>
<p>After a few moments and sniffles, Kara drew back from Lena’s embrace and spoke softly. “Thank you. But I-I don’t even deserve this. This whole mess is all my fault, and I can’t imagine how you must feel, how you must have felt after the kiss, after everything.” </p>
<p>Lena exhaled and prepared herself, hoping that the turmoil that seemed inevitable would instead be avoidable. “I won’t lie to you, Kara. It hurt. It hurt really bad. It was like one second you looked at me like I hung the stars in the sky and the next everything was just a joke. And I know you joke to hide your vulnerability and your true feelings, but it still hurt. I felt like it was just a joke to you, like <i>I</i> was just a joke to you,” she said as Kara looked down in shame. Lena tilted her chin up with her thumb and forefinger. “I need you to know, I’m not going anywhere. When I said I loved you, I meant it. But we have to talk about all of this, and it’s not going to be easy. But we can get through it, together.” Kara wiped her eyes as she nodded and spoke. </p>
<p>“You’ve never been a joke to me, Lena. You’re the most important thing in my life, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better.” Lena gave her a half-hearted smile and caressed her cheek. She dropped her hand fairly quickly, and took a deep breath. </p>
<p>“That’s good, because I <i>am</i> angry. James got dragged into all of this and hurt because you couldn't see what was right in front of you, because you were too much of a coward to recognize it. It's not like I can blame you entirely, but, damn it, you had so many chances, Kara!” Lena pulled further away from Kara as she spoke, finally getting to release the rest of her anger, and even though she got some out the previous night, there was still a substantial amount. Kara knew it was coming, so she unconsciously grabbed a pillow off the couch and crushed it to her chest for comfort as she waited for Lena to continue. She tried not to cry, knowing once again she didn’t deserve to, but it was hard; she could barely look Lena in the eye as she continued admonishing her.</p>
<p>“We’re going to discuss this self hatred you seem to be harboring, because that concerns me, but we're going to talk about all this first,” Lena told her softly, a stark contrast to the anger flowing through her previous statement. Kara shrugged as she responded. </p>
<p>“It’s not a big deal, just me being stupid,” she said, earning a scoff from Lena. </p>
<p>“It’s not stupid! This is part of the problem, I think. You diminish your feelings, but you shouldn’t! They matter, you matter, and hiding things, pushing them down, it doesn’t help anything. It just makes everything worse. Trust me, I know.” Kara looked at Lena questioningly at that, wanting elaboration but a little too afraid to ask for it. Lena sighed and continued. “That night, after we kissed, that’s exactly what I did. I took my feelings for you and tried to push them so far down inside of me. The face you made, the lack of reaction...it hurt. It looked like you were unhappy, disgusted even.” </p>
<p>Kara opened her mouth to assure Lena it wasn’t like that, that she was making the face at herself, but Lena cut her off. “I’ll hear what you have to say, but I’m not done yet.” Kara’s mouth snapped shut. “I felt so awful, and frankly, embarrassed, because I had been so sure you felt the same way. Don’t get me wrong, I know showing up drunk and just kissing you out of the blue wasn’t a great way to approach things, which is why I said I can’t blame you entirely. Neither of us were exactly forward about our feelings, but…” she trailed off thoughtfully, pursing her lips. </p>
<p>“Lena, I need you to know, up until last night, that was the greatest, most meaningful kiss of my life. I was making that face at myself, not you. I honestly didn’t even know I had made that face, because I was too busy thinking about what I had done wrong, about how I could’ve been...better, I guess? But it was amazing, and I’m so sorry I made you think otherwise. I’m so sorry for being so absorbed in myself that I couldn’t see you.” Lena’s eyes had become increasingly tearier, and Kara’s words made the tears finally fall. </p>
<p>“Have you loved me this whole time?” Kara blurted out, looking as surprised as Lena at the question. Lena stuttered a little, almost making Kara take the question back. “I’m sorry, that was-” Lena spoke over her. </p>
<p>“Yes. I think I’ve loved you since I first set eyes on you.” The admission makes Kara feel like she’s both soaring and crashing, her tears flowing more freely now as she tries to wipe them away. </p>
<p>“How did you get through being just friends with me?” Lena sighed yet again and took her time before answering.</p>
<p>“Now with everything that’s happened, I honestly don’t even know how I made it this far. I drank a lot, that’s for sure...and I guess I was, well, I was using James. I never really felt much for him because I was still in love with you. And that was fucked up for me to do. We’ve both hurt him, badly,” she told Kara, who nodded in sorrowful agreement. </p>
<p>“I feel so awful about everything. How I hurt him, but more importantly, how I hurt you. I couldn’t handle keeping these feelings to myself, but you’ve been dealing with it all this time, all these months. God, I know I sound like a broken record, but I’m so sorry, Lena. I promise you, no more hiding, no more lying to myself, or to you. I promise to be honest from here on out, to talk about my feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, to be here for you...always...if that’s what you want,” Kara added the last part hastily, unwilling to assume Lena <i>would</i> still want those things from her. </p>
<p>Lena could sense the hesitation in Kara, and was hit with realization about how much of her inner monologue was rife with unworthiness. She took her face between her hands and stared into her cloudy blue eyes. </p>
<p>“I will <i>always</i> want that, I will always want <i>you</i>,” Lena told her assuredly before leaning forward and kissing her, gently, chastely, simply to convey her love that seemed to grow deeper with every passing moment. They kissed for a few brief moments before pulling back, leaving their foreheads connected and their hands gripping at each other. Kara spoke softly, not wanting to ruin the moment, but she needed Lena to know she’d do whatever it took to fix things. </p>
<p>“Anything you want or need, whatever I can do to make this better, I will. I promise. Anything.” Lena just stared into her eyes lovingly and leaned forward to kiss her again. It was another brief but emotional kiss, both women pouring as much love into it as possible. </p>
<p>Lena drew back with teary eyes and simply asked, “Could you just hold me for awhile?” Kara smiled and stroked her cheekbone. </p>
<p>“For as long as you want, sweetheart.” Lena burrowed into Kara’s chest as Kara wrapped her arms around her and leaned back on the couch. </p>
<p><i>That went better than I thought it would,</i> Kara thinks to herself. It’s what she wanted, but she still can’t believe it’s happening, like it’s too good to be true, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Still, she feels like the luckiest woman in the world, having the woman she loves, and hurt so greatly, still wanting to be with her. She’s immersed in the moment deeply, her eyes closed and her nose buried in Lena’s hair, when someone knocks on her door. Lena grumbles, making Kara chuckle lightly. They draw back from each other and Kara rises to see who’s at the door. She gets there and gasps, her heart dropping in fear when she looks through the eyehole. </p>
<p>“Who is it?” Lena asks her with a furrowed brow. </p>
<p>“It’s James,” Kara whispers with a look of trepidation. Lena looks surprised as well, but nods at Kara, a silent <i>Let him in.</i> Kara opens the door with a repentant, but still fearful, look. </p>
<p>“James,” is the only thing she can say at first as she takes him in. He looks worn and still angry, staring at Kara with poorly disguised disdain. </p>
<p>“Is she here?” he asks. Kara glances behind her instinctually and then back at James. </p>
<p>“Uh, yeah. Did you wanna...come in?” He looks into the apartment to see Lena on the couch and breezes past Kara. He stops in front of Lena, who stares up at him with a small and awkward, but apologetic, smile. </p>
<p>“Can we talk?” he asks Lena. </p>
<p>“Sure," she responds, because <i>he deserves that much at least</i>.</p>
<p>Kara closes the door and moves to sit on the couch, but James stiffens. “Can we go somewhere else?” he asks, pointedly glancing at Kara to imply he doesn’t want her around for whatever he has to say. It hits Kara in the chest like a bullet, spreading pain throughout her entire torso. Knowing she deserves it doesn’t make it hurt any less, but she still does her best to keep her tears at bay and smile through the pain. </p>
<p>“I’ll go for a walk. I’m just gonna grab my phone,” she tells them, ignoring Lena's surprised face. She changes into jeans, and takes a deep breath before heading back out to the main area. Lena is looking right at her, and grabs her hand as she walks by. </p>
<p>“Are you sure?” she asks with a squeeze to Kara’s hand. They both ignore the indignant sound that comes from James. Kara smiles weakly at her and nods her assurance. Even though it still hurts, Lena’s consideration for her takes some of the sting away. She looks at James, who is staring at her and Lena’s joined hands with a look that’s nothing short of repulsion, and opens her mouth to apologize, but James shakes his head and looks away. She gets the point, and smiles at Lena again before walking out. The door closes behind her with a soft click, and she just leans back against it for a moment to take a deep breath. Not wanting to eavesdrop, she forces herself away from the door and towards the elevator, deciding to go to the park across from her apartment.</p>
<p>The park is fairly busy, lots of families out enjoying the sunshine and fresh air, but Kara still manages to find an empty bench, planting herself there and trying not to dwell on what Lena and James might be saying to each other. She tries to focus on the activity around her. A father and daughter throwing a frisbee back and forth. A family of five having a picnic on a blanket, laughing with each other and basking in the pleasant, cool weather. A couple playing fetch with their incredibly excited horse of a dog. Of course, she can’t resist her thoughts for long, and starts to fear that Lena will decide to be with James after all. </p>
<p><i>No, the way she looked at me, the way she kissed me. She meant it, she loves me.</i> She does her best to convince herself, but slivers of fear and self doubt still make it through, making her bounce her legs up and down with nervousness. She has no idea how long she sits on the bench and agonizes over everything, maybe an hour, when her phone finally chimes with a message from Lena.</p>
<p>
  <i>L: Come back.</i>
</p>
<p>She stands abruptly, startling some pigeons who had gotten close with the hope of food. As she walks at a brisk pace, she tries to remember the way Lena looked at her when she left, the love in her eyes. She uses the image to calm herself, unsure of what she’d be walking into. She gets to her door and pauses briefly, taking a deep breath and then pushing it open. James is still there, which makes her heart jump in her chest. She fights against herself in her own mind. </p>
<p>
  <i>He’s still here, they’re getting back together. </i>
</p>
<p><i>No, maybe he just wants to talk.</i> </p>
<p>She slowly moves into the apartment and closes the door behind her. James looks up at her from his chair as she walks to the couch, opting to stand behind it, waiting for one of them to say something. Lena finally looks up at her, too, and she can tell she’s been crying. The urge to sit next to her and wrap her in a hug is nearly overwhelming, but she manages to resist for James’ sake. </p>
<p>James sighs and tells her, “Sit, Kara.” She sits gingerly on the couch, making sure to keep a respectable distance between herself and Lena, not wanting to hurt James any more than she already has. She adjusts her glasses and fidgets unconsciously while staring at the floor, the nervous habits doing nothing to actually calm her. </p>
<p>“So, what, you have nothing to say?” James asks her with an irritated tone of voice. She jerks her head up to stare at him in disbelief. </p>
<p>“I...I didn’t think you’d want to hear it…” her voice tapers off quietly as tears build in her eyes. He continues to stare at her expectantly, so she takes a deep breath and speaks again. “Nothing I say could make this any better, or really convey how truly sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you. You’re one of my best friends, one of the best people I know...I just...I’m so sorry James. I-” He stops her, nostrils flared in anger. </p>
<p>“But you still did it, with no regard for me or my feelings. That’s not what friends do, Kara!” He heaves a big sigh and rubs his hands over his eyes. “I came here to talk to Lena, to try to salvage things between us, but it turns out whatever was between us doesn’t even compare to what you two apparently have.” Kara can’t help but look at Lena with that statement, her eyes teary and a brief, one-sided smile flashing across her face. Lena manages to keep her expression stoic, but Kara can see in her eyes that it’s true. She looks back to James. </p>
<p>“I don’t deserve your friendship any more, but I’ll do whatever it takes to get it back, to regain your trust,” she says sincerely. He stares at her for a moment, his face unreadable, before he responds. </p>
<p>“See, that’s the thing, I don’t know if I <i>can</i> be friends with you after this. Part of me hates you for this, Kara. But the other part of me knows that you’re both good people and maybe you just went about it the wrong way.” Kara looks up hopefully at that, and James stands abruptly. “I’m not saying I forgive you, either of you. I don’t know if I can. But if I do, I’ll let you know.” And with that, he leaves again, this time without slamming the door, and Kara instantly breaks down. Lena moves to comfort her immediately, embracing her and squeezing tight. Both of them are crying again, the only comfort being able to fall apart in each other’s arms, and knowing that they’ll be there for each other from here on out.</p>
<p>Neither woman knows how much time passes by before Lena extricates herself from Kara’s grasp and stands. She holds her hand out to Kara silently, and though she doesn’t know what for, Kara instantly takes it and lets Lena pull her to her feet. Lena leads her to the bedroom and pulls her into bed, simply needing to lay in Kara’s embrace in the comfort of her blankets and pillows. Her shorter stature allows her to bury her face in Kara’s neck, a position both women are quickly growing fond of, and they drift off to sleep together once more.</p>
<p>When Lena wakes, the sun has almost gone down. She can feel Kara spooning her from behind, her arms wrapped around her tightly. She shuffles around so she can face her, and finds her awake and looking at her with affectionate sorrow. They look deep into each other's eyes for a few moments, a silent communication of their love, before Lena puts a hand on Kara’s neck and draws her in for a slow, tender kiss. Their lips brush together tenderly, both women allowing their love for the other to silence the pain from the hours before. It’s unhurried, unlike their encounter that lasted all through the previous night and into the early hours of the morning, filled with the frantic need to touch each other, to make sure it was real. Their tongues meet as Kara pushes herself up over Lena, slotting their legs together and laying her body flush on top of Lena’s. Lena wraps her hands around Kara’s neck and plays with her hair affectionately. </p>
<p>Kara draws back and looks Lena in her incredible green eyes, telling her, “I love you,” and getting the same in return, a hand coming to rub her cheek tenderly, before reconnecting their lips. Their hips start a slow grinding rhythm, building up an electric feeling within both of them. Lena starts releasing small gasps and whimpers, and Kara allows herself to get lost in the sounds. Everything the night before felt so sudden, rushed even, that she hadn’t had time to really absorb all the little things Lena does when she touches her. Kara drags her hands down to the hem of Lena’s shirt, playing with it briefly before sneaking underneath to stroke at the soft skin there. She can feel Lena’s breath hitch with the contact, and her own breath hitches as she takes in the effect her touches have on the woman below her.</p>
<p>As Kara continues to rub Lena’s waist, Lena grabs the bottom of her own shirt and pulls it off, throwing it away without care for where it might land. Once it’s discarded, she reaches for Kara’s shirt as well, tugging at it until Kara pulls back from her lips and removes it herself. Their nipples brush together as Kara presses her weight back into Lena and continues to kiss her, shooting arousal throughout their entire beings. Lena moans into the kiss while she wraps her arms around Kara’s lithe waist, pressing her further into herself, needing to feel as close as possible. They continue this way, gentle caresses and tender kisses, for an indeterminable amount of time, until finally Kara's hands wander to the waistband of Lena's shorts. She sneaks them just underneath and drags her fingertips along the sensitive skin there. Lena bites at her lip before dropping her head back with a contented sigh. Kara's soft touches were proving to be just as inflaming as her previously more rough touches, and Lena finds herself unable (and unwilling) to stop her hips from canting up towards Kara's fingers. She whimpers as Kara continues to tease her, and finally opens her mouth to plead for any sort of relief. </p>
<p>“Kara, pl-” she’s stopped by Kara’s lips on hers, resting there as she speaks. </p>
<p>“Shhh, I’ve got you,” she hushes out as she kisses Lena deeply again. Her kisses move to Lena’s divinely sculpted jaw, then down to her neck as she pulls at the shorts on her hips, working them down until Lena takes them off herself. Kara reconnects their lips, which don’t leave each other from that point on, even as Kara begins to slide her fingers through Lena’s wetness, eliciting more delectable noises from the woman. Though she’s being thoroughly distracted by her, Lena reaches into Kara’s shorts and starts to build her up with soft touches of her own. Both women get lost in each other, lost in the noises they draw from each other, the explicit sounds of their ministrations; lost in the way they make love to each other. It’s deep and intense and meaningful, and everything either of them had ever wanted from the other. They tense up and release simultaneously, both trembling in the throes of their orgasms, still kissing through their moans when they can manage it. They kiss until Kara buries her face in the crook between Lena’s neck and shoulder, sighing pleasantly as they hold onto each other. There were still things they had to talk about, and still some healing to be done, but both women knew that they're be okay, and that they were stronger together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>----------</p>
<p> </p>
<p>EPILOGUE</p>
<p>	Lena flipped idly through a magazine as she waited for Kara. She couldn't focus on any of the words, though, her concern for her wife outweighing everything. It had been a long couple of weeks for the Danvers-Luthor family; their youngest, Olivia, had started kindergarten (a year early, surely thanks to inheriting Lena's genius), and their eight year old, Kieran, had not only started school as well, but also joined a soccer team. It took a lot of schedule shuffling, and a few late arrivals, for them to get everything worked out, but they managed. Still, Lena could tell it was wearing on Kara, and last night, after Kara had nearly missed Kieran's first soccer game, she saw the telltale signs of her self-critical tendencies. She was uncharacteristically quiet through dinner, and when Lena offered to clean up, she immediately took her up on it and retreated upstairs instead of insisting on helping, which was a clear sign that she was struggling.</p>
<p>(Through the years Kara had gotten better, after some therapy and a lot of love from Lena, and all her friends, but every once in a while those emotions still reared their ugly heads and tried to drag her back into her old ways. Lena was there for her every time, and did everything she could to help.)</p>
<p>"Is Mom okay?" Kieran had asked, with a little furrow of his brows that was nearly identical to Kara's. Lena was sometimes surprised at his perceptiveness, especially for an eight year old, though it was clear he took very much after Kara, who could always tell when Lena was upset.</p>
<p>"Yes, darling, Mom's okay. She just feels sad sometimes, but that's why we have to be here to give her as much love and strength as she needs, right?" She smiled at him and cupped his cheek as he nodded. "Now, go get ready for bed, I'll be right there to tuck you in, okay?" she told him with a kiss to the top of his head.</p>
<p>"Okay!" He ran off and bounded up the stairs as Lena finished the dishes and wiped down the counters. She dried her hands and made the journey upstairs, stopping briefly outside the bedroom door when she heard voices.</p>
<p>"-and I thought you should have it so you can get strong from it, too." A sniffle followed her son's voice, but it came from Kara. "Don't cry, Mom, it's okay." Kara let out a watery laugh, astounded by Kieran's sweet kindness. Lena moved slowly to lean on the doorway and watch the interaction with stars in her eyes and endless, bursting love in her heart. Kara held a fluffy white stuffed dog in one hand (one Lena recognized as her son's favorite) and wrapped her other arm around Kieran's pajama-clad shoulders, kissing his forehead.</p>
<p>"Thank you, sweetheart. I am so proud of how kind and thoughtful you are," Kara sniffles. She notices Lena in the doorway and gives her a teary smile before turning back to Kieran. "I'll keep Krypto for now, but he's still yours, okay?" Kieran nodded up at her with tired eyes and a big yawn. She smiled and told him, "I'm starting to feel stronger already."</p>
<p>He leaned into Kara and his eyes began to droop, so Lena pushed off from the doorway and moved towards them. "Hey you, it's time for bed now, okay?" She told Kieran as she laid a hand gently on his shoulder. She spared a glance for her wife, and couldn't help but cup her cheek when she saw the myriad of emotions in her eyes. Kara gave her a weak smile and moved her arm from Kieran to push him up off the bed.</p>
<p>"Gimme a hug, kiddo," she pulled him in as he stood and felt him squeeze with all his might. "Love you."</p>
<p>"Love you, Mom. 'Night." He told her before taking Lena's outstretched hand and following her out of the bedroom to his own.</p>
<p>Lena came back within about five minutes to find Kara had burrowed into their bed and completely engulfed herself in the blankets. Another sign of the internal struggle she was fighting. She sat down on the edge of the bed and moved a stray strand of hair behind Kara’s ear. Kara kept her eyes closed and let out a long, shaky exhale.</p>
<p>“Are you okay, darling?” Lena asked softly as she ran her fingers through Kara’s blonde hair. Kara opened her eyes and Lena’s heart dropped as they quickly grew teary. Kara nodded slowly and gave her a weak smile.</p>
<p>“I’ll probably feel a lot better when my wife gets into bed and cuddles me,” she responded, though her usual playfulness was drastically toned down. Lena chuckled and kissed her forehead.</p>
<p>“Well, I guess I better hurry up then,” she smiled. She followed her usual bedtime routine, albeit a little more quickly than usual, and climbed in beside Kara within ten minutes. Kara instantly untangled herself from the sheets and instead tangled her legs with Lena’s and burrowed her face into her neck. Lena wrapped her arms around her wife lovingly, feeling some of the tension leave her body as she rubbed a hand up and down her back.</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Lena’s voice broke the silence in the room, soft and cautious with concern.</p>
<p>Kara responded after a few moments of silence. “I made an appointment with Dr. Chang tomorrow,” she blurted out, a flush coloring her cheeks in the darkness. Though Lena couldn’t see it, she knew her wife well enough to know she was embarrassed about needing to see her therapist again. As always, she did her best to reassure and support her.</p>
<p>“Okay, love,” she told her with a kiss to the crown of her head. “Can I give you a ride, or do you need to go alone?”</p>
<p>“I wish I didn’t have to go at all. I wish I was strong.” There it was, that self-hatred, that little voice in the back of her mind telling her she’s not good enough, and never will be, that Kara had struggled with for so many years. Back when she first started seeing Dr. Chang, Kara was disappointed with learning that she would likely always have to deal with these feelings for the rest of her life. With work she could lessen them to almost non-existence, but she still found it disheartening. It had indeed taken lots of work, and time, but she had been able to overcome it for the most part, only struggling with it here and there, usually in some of the more stressful times that came with adult life.</p>
<p>Lena’s heart ached for Kara, and though she wished more than anything she could take all her pain away, she knew it wasn’t possible, and the best she could do was be there for Kara, to give her whatever reassurance she needed.</p>
<p>“Darling, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known,” she told her in a quiet, but firm, voice. “And it’s not just these that make you strong,” she said with a brief squeeze to Kara’s biceps in a light attempt at a little levity (and flattery), before moving her hand to rest on her sternum right above her heart. “It’s this. Your heart. You’ve been through so much, and to come out of it with such a kind and loving heart speaks to the strength you have. And to know, and openly admit, that you need help is just further proof of that.” Kara lifted her head to respond.</p>
<p>“But-” Lena cut Kara off with a finger to her lips.</p>
<p>“No buts. Kara Danvers-Luthor, you are strong, and amazing, and a wonderful mother to our children, and the perfect wife to me, and I will tell you that as many times as it takes, for the rest of our lives. You are incredible, and you are worthy. You are enough,” Lena punctuated the statements with a firm hug, feeling it returned instantly. Kara’s tears begin to soak through her shirt, and she wishes she could do more.</p>
<p>“I don’t deserve you,” Kara sniffles and holds on to Lena a little tighter.</p>
<p>“You do,” Lena tells her simply. Kara exhales and some of the tension leaves her body. </p>
<p>“Thank you,” she tells Lena with a soft kiss to her lips. Lena returns the kiss instantly and rubs a thumb on Kara’s cheek to wipe away a tear.</p>
<p>“Of course, love. Anything you need, I’ll do my best to give to you,” Lena smiles as Kara settles her head on her chest. </p>
<p>They dozed off tangled together and woke almost the same way, the only change being Lena having become the little spoon at some point during the night. Kara woke her with light, feather-like kisses to her neck until she pulled her up to her mouth for a proper good morning kiss, which quickly became more. A glance at the clock told them they had time to spare, so they began to slowly, reverently undress each other with soft touches and murmured words of love and desire. They reached their peaks together with Lena biting Kara’s shoulder to keep quiet as she panted through her own release. Morning sex was one of Lena’s favorite things (sex with Kara in general, really), but to have it the night after Kara had been struggling so much was a good sign that her inner turmoil had significantly decreased. She even sang as they showered together, and it made Lena smile ear-to-ear.</p>
<p>Lena’s thoughts of her favorite smile were interrupted when the office door opened and Kara strolled out. Lena smiled up at her and felt her heart skip a beat as Kara gave her a near-blinding smile in return. She turned and shook the therapist’s hand with a thank-you, and moved to the receptionist’s desk to pay. Lena felt a deep relief wash over her when the receptionist asked Kara if she needed to schedule another appointment, and Kara responded with a happy, “Not this time.”</p>
<p>“Okay, we’re all set then! Have a great day!” The bubbly girl told Kara, who returned the sentiment and then turned towards her wife and held a hand out. Lena took it happily and left their hands linked during the walk to the car. Kara stopped her behind their SUV and engulfed her in a big hug. Lena was taken slightly by surprise but quickly returned the hug. Kara pulled back a little and rested her forehead on Lena’s.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” she told her, and punctuated it with a soft, loving, heartfelt kiss that made Lena’s heart soar.</p>
<p>“For what?” Lena asked with a surprised laugh as she stared into the blue eyes she loved so much.</p>
<p>“Oh, just everything,” Kara shrugged and kissed her again, both of them smiling through it. “I love you, Lena.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” she said; it was the easiest thing in the world, to love Kara. The rocky start to their relationship only strengthened it in the long run, and as they stared into each other’s eyes, both women knew; they were home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wives!!! Cuz they should be!!!!!<br/>Okay so, I know most of us hate James. But, Kara Danvers would feel bad as hell (actually I'm not sure she'd even do what she did in this fic, pretty OOC, but she'd still feel bad), and she loves James (as a friend, of course) and would be really upset about this whole thing. I feel like she would want to salvage her friendship with him because that's who she is! As far as leaving her own apartment so Lena and James could talk, I (and probably a lot of you) would *never* do something like that, but I felt like Kara absolutely would. And Lena would feel bad, too, and I felt like, should this have been an actual situation on the show (LOLOL), she'd apologize and let him say his piece. Like I said in the tags, I'm not even sure any of this fic made sense, but here we are!! So thanks again for reading, and please come back for other fics! There is a restaurant AU and an Underworld AU (the vampire movie with Kate Beckinsale, cuz imagine Katie McG in that role!?!?! I'd die) in the works!</p>
<p>We have Tumblr now! Come say hi! <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/penguin-master"> Penguin-Master </a></p>
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